Frustrations – Page 12 – One Thousand And One Parsecs

Falling back into the groove

Today I surprised myself and wrote nearly 4k words, some of which might actually be good enough to keep. Huzzah!

The novel is coming along very nicely, and I’m starting to get really excited with where it’s going. That’s huge, because up to this point, the nagging “this is crap, what are you doing with your life?” voices have been getting me down. Yeah, the draft I’m writing will need a lot of work, but the story’s got potential, and I can see it. That’s the most important part.

The interesting thing was that after pounding out the first thousand words, the writing started to really flow. The right words and phrases started coming quite naturally, almost on their own, instead of waiting for me to mercilessly hunt them down.

An example:

The weather was perfect–sunny, clear, and neither too hot nor too cold. Upset by the sound of their engines, flocks of pretty white birds took to the air, filling the sky around the green banks like noisy, low-flying clouds. Down in the cabin, Kariym began to sing a lilting ballad about a young boy in love with his brother’s betrothed. His deep bass voice bellowed over the roar of the engine, lifting Jalil’s spirits. It was a very good day to be alive.

They rode upstream over the river for the next hour. Almost immediately they left the main body of the convoy far behind, taking the reconnaissance position for the advance guard. Occasionally, they passed a town or a bridge–magnificent works of steel and stone that soared over their heads, spanning the entire vast width of the river. Mostly, however, the banks were empty and unsettled–nothing but long, straight stretches of thick green bush, with the occasionally rocky outcropping to break the monotony.

Of course, the writing’s not perfect–I’ll be the first to say that it needs considerable work–but at least it’s decent. Decent for a rough draft.

One of the most annoying things about writing is when I unconsciously break into alliteration. I’ll write a sentence, only to realize that I can’t let it stand as it is because every noun, verb, and adjective starts with the same sound. Like that last phrase: “starts with the same sound.” Augh!

I’m finding, though, that when used in moderation, that tendency towards alliteration can be somewhat helpful. There’s nothing quite as pleasurable as reading a good story with delicious, flowing prose, like Ursula K. Le Guin’s The Dispossessed or Robert Charles Wilson’s Spin. Excellent books. I’d be more than happy if I could write as beautifully as them someday.

In the meantime, though, I’m just plugging away, trying to make the next chapter, scene, paragraph, and sentence better than the last. Fortunately, now that I’m excited about the story again, things are going very nicely.

Oh, and happy fourth on the fifth. I spent most of the day with family (not writing), bouncing around Provo and doing various stuff. I’ve got a ton of chores to do tomorrow, though, so I’d better get to bed. Night!

Writer’s block? Tallyho!

Just a quick post before I go to bed.

Health problems suck when all you’ve got is catastrophic insurance. I started breaking out in this weird rash last week, and I went into the clinic today. It was seventy five dollars well spent, but…man, seventy five dollars?

So between taking the bus all over the Provo/Orem area to get to and from the clinic, picking up the antibiotics from Macy’s, and cooking treats for institute, I didn’t get much writing done. At the same time, though, I feel like I should have gotten a lot more writing done–that really, I was just putting it off with all the other chores.

“Writer’s block” is this generic phrase used to describe a number of writing related maladies–kind of like “consumption” back in the 1800s, I guess. Right now, I’m suffering from a particularly unusual strain: I’ve got some decent plot and character ideas, I know what I want to write, but I just can’t seem to bring myself down to write it. Not consistently, anyways. This past week, I’ve only been hitting 1.4k words per day, when I need to be doing 2.5k in order to make my 15 August deadline.

The irregularity of my schedule certainly isn’t helping, but I think it goes deeper than that. I’m currently treading new territory, going places where the first draft never went, and I can’t help but feel that the stuff I’ve written prior to this point is just crap. That’s what’s so debilitating–the recognition of all the mistakes I’ve made thus far. Some of them are relatively major–level twos, at the very least.

Well, just like the best proscription for the flu is to get rest and drink lots of water (and pop lots of antibiotics when that doesn’t work), the best proscription for writer’s block is to sit down and write! So that’s what I plan to do. Tallyho!

…except, not right now. It’s 1:00 am and I’m fighting some kind of bacterial infection. Gotta sleep, but then…tallyho!

(oh, and in totally unrelated news, an agent requested to see the full manuscript for Genesis Earth! Must not get hopes up…must not get hopes up…too late. Tallyho!)

Take me to Arabia

Recently, I’ve found myself nearly overwhelmed by the sudden urge to run away to the Middle East and go totally and irrevocably native. It may pass, but I still want to go back there–really bad.

So I looked up BYU’s TESOL certification program, and figured I could apply in January, start fall of ’11, and be on my way to an Arabian adventure in ’12.

Or…I could bypass the whole certification thing altogether, but I’d probably get a crappier job. Besides, the certification could lead to other things, like perhaps an actual stable day job. Who knows?

Regardless, I should probably find some way to actually use my Arabic degree. After all, why did I get it in the first place? Better put it to use!

So why am I tripping out on Middle East stuff? Interestingly enough, I think it has a lot to do with the current novel I’m writing, Worlds Away from Home. I started it in fall ’08, just after getting back from BYU’s 2008 Jordan study abroad program, and the influence is definitely very visible.

Sometimes it makes me cringe a little, though; the fictional culture is patterned after my understanding of and experiences with Arab culture, but…it’s very pseudo Arab, if that make sense. Kind of like it looks Arab, but it feels more Western. I don’t know–I guess what I’m saying is that it’s bad (or maybe I just think that because I’m in the middle of the rough draft, when everything I write is utter and absolute crap. Blegh).

But the thing is, if I try to make the culture truly foreign, I’m worried it will be more of a barrier to the reader than a gateway. In other words, it’s the classic science fiction problem of aliens: the more you succeed in making your aliens truly alien, the harder it is for the reader to understand or sympathize with them.

But then again, isn’t that why we read? To be transported to different times and places, experience other people and cultures, and be exposed to new ideas? To expand our minds and enrich our understanding? If that’s the case, there’s got to be something good and healthy about immersing the reader in a totally foreign culture.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any easier.

Oh well. I’m up for the challenge. In the meantime, I’ll keep reading T. E. Lawrence’s The Seven Pillars of Wisdom and continuously loop all my Arab pop. Not familiar with Arabic music? Here’s a really good one:

Track 5

(ps: I’d tell you who wrote/performs the song, but frankly I have no idea. Unfortunately, copyright doesn’t really exist in the Middle East. Oh well. Enjoy!)

The need to change

I picked up this sign at institute last Wednesday. The lesson was on our desires; specifically, how the thing that we truly desire deep down is often the thing that we get.

The main reason I posted this sign on the door was to motivate me to get a better job than my current one. However, it applies to so many other things as well.

Take writing, for example: if I’m going to actually turn this writing thing into a full time career, I’ve got to bust my butt to make it happen. Writing a paltry 250 words each day on a novel you’ve been working on for the past twenty years just isn’t going to cut it.

I got two form rejections today, and that made me realize that I need to be more serious about submitting my work. So instead of working of working on Worlds Away From Home, I researched a slew of agents, rewrote my query letter for Genesis Earth, and sent out four carefully prepared and researched submissions. I don’t want to spend any more time bouncing around from job to job than I have to–I want to break in and make this writing career take off.

So far, I’ve gotten approximately 14 rejections for Genesis Earth: ten form rejections, one personalized rejection, one rejection after the partial was requested, and two that I haven’t heard back on but have been out for so long they’ve probably been rejected. Interestingly enough, rejection itself is not that hard for me to deal with: it’s building the motivation and nerve to submit to the next place that’s tough.

But I’ve got to do it. I feel kind of like Hachimaki from the anime series Planetes, who quits his job without taking the severance package when he applies for the Jupiter mission. If he has the safety net, he knows that he’ll get lazy, so breaks goes out on his own, even sleeping on the streets for a while during the initial tryouts.

I haven’t quite fallen that low yet–I’ve got an apartment, a bike, and a job, even if it’s only a subsistence level one. But when it comes to long term careers, I’m putting everything into my writing right now–there isn’t anything else.

It’s still discouraging to get rejected, but I’m still very optimistic that things will work out. Even if everyone rejects Genesis Earth, I’ll have Mercenary Savior ready to submit before the end of the year. It’s just a matter of time–I just hope it happens soon.

In the meantime, here’s the opening sequence from Planetes. Such an awesome series–I’d take a job with Debris Section in an instant! Even garbage collecting is cool when it’s IN SPAAACE!!

Quick update

Just a quick update on things, since it’s been forever since I’ve blogged.

The Utah Valley Democrats offered me a position, but it wasn’t the internship they’d advertised, so I turned it down. They wanted me to do all their phone surveys, for 20 hours per week at $8.50 an hour, working evenings and Saturdays from now until November. Basically, they wanted me to do the same crappy job that I’m already doing, but for less pay, more hours, and with significantly less flexibility. Needless to say, I wasn’t too thrilled.

I sent out Mercenary Savior 3.0 to my beta readers. If you weren’t included in that list, don’t be offended–I’m trying to get feedback from some new people who haven’t read the previous drafts, to see what they think. I’m hoping to start the next revision of that novel sometime in August; my goal is to have it polished in time for World Fantasy 2010, which I will be attending.

Worlds Away from Home is coming along, but much too slowly. I want to finish it by August 15th, which means that I should be writing between 2.5k and 3k words per day. Right now, I’m averaging about 1.5k–not bad, but not enough either. I need to take some time and immerse myself in this project.

At the same time, I really need to find a decent day job. The one I’ve got right now is good for summer stuff, but I don’t want to be doing it long term. Ideas for a more semi-permanent job include:

Working in a bookstore
Teaching Arabic
Getting a wilderness job (see previous post)
Getting an editing internship
Freelance translating (I’m a little uneasy about this)
Finding a job in the Middle East and living/traveling there for a year

I’m a little wary of the last one, given the current political situation, but if things improve, I could see myself moving out there in the fall. It depends on what I can find, of course–and for that reason, I’m considering signing up for the TESOL certificate program here at BYU.

I don’t know, though. There’s a lot to do, a lot to figure out. It’s hard to balance it all, but I’m doing what I can. Whatever happens, though, I’m sure it will all work out.

Beginnings and title woes

Today, I came off my writing break and started my next novel. The makings of the first scene have been kicking around in my head for the past couple of days, but today I actually sat down and started it. I’m not sure how strong of a beginning it is, but at least it’s a start.

I would have started yesterday, but I had a horrible time trying to format the file. No matter how many times and ways I tried to fix the pagination in openoffice, whenever I reopened the file, it came out wrong. Finally, I switched the file from .doc to .odt, and that did the trick.

Turns out, that may be for the best. Because of the proliferation of Microsoft Word, everyone seems to use .doc or .docx, but there are several good reasons why ODF (Open Document Format) is better. In fact, several international governments have made it a matter of public policy to make the switch. After all the headaches .doc files have given me in openoffice, I certainly have. We’ll see how that goes.

As for the novel, it really, really needs a new title. The old one, Hero in Exile, just doesn’t work for me. It’s too…cliche, in a generic, meaningless way. Blegh.

And thus begins another search for a good title. Do you have any ideas? The story is about a boy raised by desert nomads in search of his true origins, whose world completely falls apart when he falls in love with a girl who wants him to stay. I suppose it’s kind of a cross between The Jungle Book and Great Expectations…in spaaace!

Mainly, though, it’s about an upright, noble-hearted boy trying to come to terms with the moral corruption and decay of the world around him. When he finds that corruption inside himself, it almost destroys him, but before the end…no, better not give it away.

I don’t know–I just know it needs a better title. Any ideas?

Oh, and before I go to bed, you might find this interesting. It’s an original arrangement of one of the most memorable songs from the Xenogears soundtrack. It even has lyrics, written in the language of one of the races of the game.

Wow–talk about a super fan! I wonder if any of my stories will ever inspire something as amazingly creative as this? If so, it would be pretty cool–pretty dang cool.

Anyways, night.

When taking a break is not enough

So these past few days, I’ve been taking an unofficial break from writing. After I finished Mercenary Savior 3.0, I didn’t feel that the time was quite right to start my next project. Plus, I figured that after working so hard, I kind of deserved a break.

It’s been kind of weird, though. In some ways, it’s kind of relaxing not to be writing every day, but in other ways, it’s unsettling. I don’t feel like I’m recharging the well–I just feel like I’m being lazy. Writing is hard work, but it’s satisfying work, and I miss that sense of satisfaction.

I hope to get it back soon, though. I’ve got a rough outline and a ton of ideas for my next project, and I kind of know where I want to start. The trouble is, I still feel that something is missing, and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe the best way to overcome that is to blog about my ideas and see what happens.

So for this next project, I want to recycle the story and characters from Hero in Exile, which I left unfinished back in winter of 2009 (right around the time when I finished Genesis Earth). It takes place on Gaia Nova, a planet that is half desert/wilderness, half densely settled urban arcologies. The main character is a boy named Jalil who became separated from his parents when their ship was destroyed in orbit; they threw him into an escape pod with his mother’s ID pendant, and he crashed into the desert. A local tribe of Bedouin-type nomads took him in and raised him, but he’s always wanted to get back to his biological family and find out who he really is.

Things get complicated, though, because the sheikh of the tribe has no sons, and therefore wants to marry Jalil off to one of his daughters in order to keep the tribal holdings in the family. He’s so desperate that he orders one of his daughters, Mira, to seduce Jalil by any means necessary. Since chastity and virginity are highly valued within the tribal society, Mira feels very uncomfortable about doing this. She has feelings for Jalil and would like to marry him, but not in that way. At the same time, however, she doesn’t want to disobey her father.

The story starts right around the time when Jalil sets out in quest to find his biological family and learn of his true origins. He decides that the best way to do this is to go on a pilgrimage to the Temple of a Thousand Suns, deep in the urban arcology side of the planet. The sheikh of the tribe sends Mira with him, under the pretense that she’s making the pilgrimage. The real reason she’s going, however, is to catch him in a moment of weakness and seduce him, thus forcing him through the stain on her honor to marry her and return to the tribe.

Jalil, however, is completely oblivious of all this. He is totally naive to the ways of the world, and believes very strongly in honor, virtue, and other high moral ideals. As he and Mira leave the desert and descend into the morally corrupt world of the arcologies, however, Jalil finds himself becoming more and more disillusioned. He and Mira become closer and closer physically, yet further apart in the ways that really matter because of the poison of deception and manipulation that has come into their relationship. Eventually, they both find themselves forced to make some defining decisions, just as everything they’ve known and believed is shattered and destroyed.

That’s the general idea, at least. I suppose you could call it a romance where the main obstacle to them getting together is the intense pressure on them to have sex. It’s probably been done before, but hopefully my sci fi take on the idea will make things interesting.

I still feel like I have a lot of prewriting work to do, though. I want to make Mira and Jalil both viewpoint characters, and to do that I need to have their backstories and motivations worked out very well. With Jalil, I think I’m ready to start, but I’m not so sure about Mira.

Anyways, that’s where things stand. Do you like the idea? Don’t like it? See something interesting that I haven’t seen? Let me know–please let me know.

Oh, and I need a new title. Hero in Exile is way too cheesy.

Weird slump

Man, I’m going through a really weird slump these days. Yesterday, I wrote 2.5k words, and today, I only wrote 1.5k words–this, in spite of the fact that I’m only working about three hours a day. It’s kind of frustrating.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m right at the end of this novel. I’ve got 10k words to go, only 12 scenes, but I’m kind of burned out on it. I already know it’s going to need another revision after this one, and while I’m trying hard to fix things, it’s more on the overall story level, not on the detailed polish level, where I usually thrive.

The real truth, though, is probably that my days are split up so weird. I work from three to six, and most days I have obligations in the evening (Leading Edge, Institute, FHE, etc). To add to that, Tuesdays and Thursdays I donate plasma in the mornings, which usually takes up a couple hours. When you’re already in the mood to procrastinate, it doesn’t help it when your free time comes in 2 to 3 hour chunks.

Oh well. At least I’m still producing.

CONduit starts tomorrow, and I am totally stoked. Last year was excellent, and I’m looking forward very much to this year as well. I don’t think there’ll be too many agents and editors there, but there will be a ton of other writers, most of whom I expect I’ll see at other major conventions across the country.

Speaking of conventions, I’m thinking very seriously about attending Dragoncon this year. When I spoke with Dan Wells at the Provo Library event a couple weeks ago, he told me that DragonCon is going to be big for writers this year, on account of Worldcon being in Australia and World Fantasy being in Ohio.

I’ve got a friend in Atlanta who can put me up and/or has friends who can as well, so housing shouldn’t be too difficult. My Dad’s giving me the old Buick, and it’s got lots of space, so I could probably fit four or five people in it. If we took turns driving, we could probably make it out there nonstop, and membership only costs like $80. At ten tanks of gas split by five people, plus maybe $100 for food and other expenses, it seems like a pretty good deal. Anyone interested?

If I’m going to Dragoncon this year, I suppose I should make it my goal to get Mercenary Savior polished and ready for it. That should be enough time–a month or two to let it sit, then a couple months to polish it. Definitely doable.

In the meantime, I’ll be finishing this draft this weekend, inshallah. I’d like to finish it on the bus to Salt Lake, but I doubt that’ll be the case. 10k words is a lot of writing, and I’ll be busy all day at the con. I’ll let you know how it goes, though–stay tuned!

When life gets in the way

Just a quick post before I go to bed. Things are coming along well with the revision of Mercenary Savior–I fully expect to be finished by next week (hopefully by Tuesday).

That said, these past couple of days have been very unproductive, and it’s been very frustrating. I feel as if tons of little things have been getting in the way.

Work is from 3:00 to 6:00, which can be nice but breaks the day in half, and donating plasma always seems to suck up a ton of time. Besides that, I’ve been applying for work, and THAT certainly takes up quite a bit of time mental space.

The main problem, though, is the urge to procrastinate. These little things wouldn’t pop up all the time if I 1) were unusually excited about this book, or 2) had the iron discipline to buckle down and just do it. I’m working on both of those, but in the meantime, it’s frustrating.

Still, I am producing. I wrote about 1.5k words yesterday, and 2.3k today. Nowhere near the 4k+/day I was hoping to write, but not bad. Things are progressing.

Part of it may be the fact that my only computer right now is a netbook. Netbooks are nice for traveling (I carry mine literally everywhere), but they aren’t great as primary machines. Also, they tend to break down faster than regular laptops. Mine’s probably got another year left, but the wear and tear is starting to show.

To remedy that, I’m thinking very seriously of building my own computer. Tomorrow, BYU is having a surplus sale, and I’m hoping to pick out a decent LCD monitor or two, plus a keyboard and mouse. I’ve picked out all the other parts online (I’ll blog about that later), but I’ll probably hold off until the end of the month to buy them all. I want to prove to myself that I can make more money in a month than I spend.

I know that a new computer won’t solve my writing problems, but it will be really cool, and it is something that I need–if not this very second, then at least before my netbook breaks down. Plus, I’m hoping to learn a lot from the experience of building it from parts.

Other than that, things are good. I will definitely finish Mercenary Savior by next week before CONduit, and the revision is significantly better than the old draft. Before long, inshallah, I’ll have another manuscript to float around with editors/agents.

Life in the Real World

So it’s been a week since I graduated, and life in the “real world” is very different from academia. In some ways, it’s scary, but in other ways, it’s actually kind of fun.

Freedom from schoolwork is HUGE. Seriously, I had no idea how much day-to-day stress came from school until now. Without this or that assignment hanging over my head, I feel incredibly liberated. I can go wherever I want, or do whatever I feel like doing, and the only restrictions on my time are the ones I set for myself.

Of course, life isn’t stress free–far from it. Employment is definitely a problem. I need to find a job and start making some kind of an income. That’s the main stressor right now–how am I going to sustain myself?

In some ways, it’s kind of a game. I’ve got my budget lined up, with projected monthly expenses, and that tells me how much money I need to make to break even. The object of the game is to find creative ways to make that money.

This is what I spend most of my day doing. Some interesting prospects include:

Freelance editing. A roommate of a friend of mine has actually contracted with me to do this for a company he recently started. It isn’t steady work, but $40-$60 per job for basically reworking a piece of fantasy, it isn’t bad either.
Freelance translation. A friend of mine from the FLSR told me all about this. Basically, I just need to set up a free account at proz.com, post my resume, set up paypal, and start taking jobs. Again, it isn’t steady, but it’s promising.
Temp work. As luck would have it, there’s a temp agency across the street from my apartment, and a friend of mine already works there. It’s just filler until I get a real job, but it seems to pay fairly well, though the labor is mostly grunt work. Still, better grunt work than office work.
Working for a teleresearch company down the street. It isn’t the best kind of work, but it’s a job, it’s got flexible openings, and it’s local.
Anything legit on craigslist.
Anything from the Wilk boards (though it’s kind of skimpy right now).
Donating plasma. Hey, $65 a week is better than nothing.

So that’s what I’m thinking about doing to hold me over until I get a real job. My goal for May is to make more money than I spend.

Really, though, I don’t need a job for the money–I’ve got enough cash saved up to last at least through the summer. I need a job for the sense of security. It’s hard to focus on writing when I don’t know how I’m going to support myself.

Another danger with unemployment is the lack of structure. When you don’t have to get up and go to work, you find yourself getting up later and later. If you don’t have to do anything, you generally don’t accomplish very much. It’s hard to stay productive in the face of so much free time.

Still, I’m going to try. I’m keeping up with my writing, doing about 3k-4k words per day on the revision of Mercenary Savior. I’ve got a handful of submissions out on Genesis Earth, and I’m going to keep a steady number of submissions out at any time. I’ve also been submitting my unpublished short stories, so we’ll see where that goes.

In the meantime, I’ll keep looking for a day job while I play the game of financial independence. It’s an adventure.