I was going to write a long post on why I hated Valentine’s Day, but then I realized it hasn’t been so bad.
Of course, that’s mostly because I’ve been in my apartment most of the day, writing. I did go to Macey’s at one point, and was mildly annoyed by the crowd of people buying flowers at the front, but other than that, it’s been like any other day in February.
I’ve always been single on Valentine’s Day, and while I’ve never really resented that, I have resented the pressure in the LDS church to go on dates and find a wife. But here in Utah Valley, that’s a constant year round, not just on Valentine’s Day. And it’s pretty bad. Listening to some church leaders speak, you’d think that it’s a sin to be single–as if the free agency of others doesn’t even factor into the equation. And worse, they always put the blame on the guys, never the girls, so the girls keep on acting immature which leads to all sorts of ridiculous problems.
A couple weeks ago during Stake Conference, I got in a pretty dark mood after one too many talks on the subject. This poetry is what came out of it:
Find a wife,
Date a week;
Marry young–
A life so bleak.Where singlehood is selfishness,
And loneliness is sinful, too,
Rejection is a kiss of death;
Unwantedness a fate too cruel.
That’s about as far as I got. I wrote some other stuff, but I’m not about to share it.
Truth is, I’ve kind of given up on the dating scene here in Happy Valley. The hordes of pretty yet immature twenty year olds just don’t interest me, and while I do have a few old friends in the area who I might look up, I don’t expect much to come of it.
Part of it is the fact that I’m twenty six, which in Happy Valley is the equivalent of thirty five or forty anywhere else. I’m just old.
Part of it is the steady accumulation of bad dating experiences over the course of the past five years, which has a lot to do with immaturity, both my own (which I hope has changed) and that of the general population of available females here in Utah.
Part of it has to do with the fact that just about every girl I’ve actively pursued ends up marrying someone else in less than a year.
But mostly, I think it has to do with the fact that I’m just not really interested in anybody. And honestly, that’s kind of liberating. It’s part of the reason why I decided to grow out my beard (pictures coming soon). Most of the girls around here say they hate beards–but who cares? Screw ’em!
But yeah. I’m sure I’m going to get a ton of concerned emails from my family after I post this, but at least I’m being honest.
And yes, I’m sure I’ll find someone someday (or, more likely, she’ll find me), and we’ll settle down to a life of passion and bliss and whatever, but that doesn’t have to be right now.
So happy Valentine’s Day.
(Images taken from postsecret and Kencraft Candy)
That was pretty much the most depressing poetry I have ever read in my entire life, so there is probably an audience out there for it. Probably if there’s more of it within you, you could publish that as well! Who knew that my sci-fi writing brother also had an inner poet!?
I personally think you have an extensive track record of picking the exact wrong girls to date, and this is why it seems that all of them are ditzes. Branch out. Take out somebody who you really don’t think you would enjoy dating. There is a world of girls out there which you actively choose to ignore who are dying for a chance to meet you.
The other thing is, suck it up. You are a man. Don’t succumb to the strong-sad view of life. Yeah, being single and wanting to be in a relationship is hard (probably the most difficult part of life), but you can do hard things. You’re not a pariah. Get some confidence. You are an awesome, extremely eligible person. Sarah and I have oft discussed said eligibility (“Eagle scout, Academic genius, excellent cook, well-read, super literary, strong, tall, returned missionary, etc.”).
I am your sister, so I’m allowed to say this part: you need to get more stylish. The other reason I’m allowed to say that is because it is something I have been working on myself for the past few months. I will just speak from my own experience. I have been pregnant for about the past 2 years. I will just blame it all on that – I became extremely frumpy. But I am sick of it. One day I just woke up and decided that I really, really need to get some style back. That means losing somewhere around 50 pounds, getting dressed every day (Danny’s basketball shorts and baggy t-shirts do NOT count), putting on makeup every day, doing my hair every day, exercising every day, and eating healthily every day.
It is so easy to rationalize, “Well…I’m not going to wear makeup today…it’s not like I’m even GOING anywhere!” I’m a stay home mom of two babies under two. Or, “If I get dressed up nice, I will probably have to change clothes at least two times before Danny gets home because some baby will barf or snot or pee all over me.”
But you know what? The days that I put in the effort to be stylish (and, fyi, I have been using others’ definition of “style”, NOT my own) actually make a huge, huge difference in the way I feel about myself and the way I act to other people.
I am 100% confident that if you, too, put in some effort to be more stylish, you will also feel differently about yourself and you will find you treat others differently.
Of course we worry about you. We want you to get married. I, personally, am super confident that many girls exist in Provo and elsewhere who would love to date you. So to recap, my two words of sisterly wisdom are to look at the girls who are not as hot as the ones you usually go for, and get hotter yourself.
Go Kate! (I can hear her voice in my head as I read her comments, it was hilarious) That poetry is seriously depressing, she’s right. I’m sure you could sell it to an Emo band.
In all seriousness, I think Kate has a point. Appearances may not be the most important thing, but they certainly do have an impact on others and their view of you, so being aware of that is important. (Disclaimer: I think the beard works for you, just keep it trimmed)
Aside from appearances, I think Kate also has a point about attitude. You can do hard things. Don’t let your circumstances victimize you– when you do so, you are allowing them to control how you feel (to some degree). Exercise agency, take control of your feelings (or as the hymn says: school thy feelings). Also, side note: be more decisive, girls like that. (That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t question your preconceived notions about people, of course)
But on a different note, I will admit that it is easy and probably callous for marrieds to give advice to singles. It’s hard to remember pre-Danny days, so forgive me if I sounded snooty or not nice. 🙂
Yeah, it’s not so much that I’m melancholy or morose, so much as I just realized “meh, I’m not interested in anyone right now.” A few months ago, there was someone I was mildly interested in; I asked her out, found out enough to know I wasn’t interested, and moved on. So telling me to “suck it up” doesn’t make much sense, since if there was someone I wanted to pursue, I would pursue her.
The points about style are pretty good, though. I don’t think “being stylish” will much affect how I think of myself, since I’m not a girl and don’t think like one, but it can’t do anything but help. And I’m having a ton of fun with this beard–I think I can make it look really good. So we’ll see how things go with that.
It’s not sexy that mom says you’re a great catch! But it’s the truth!! I say: “Believe!!! in yourself (that’s a lecture for me, too, to me–it’s o so ‘clever’ to be self-deprecating but not helpful)!!!!
Joe,
I am a rock. I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.
Happy Valentines Day.
Stephen