Tag: family

I read a fascinating article in the New York Times today about “emerging adulthood”– basically, the modern trend of twenty-somethings (such as myself) who aren’t growing up and settling down. Says the article:

It’s happening all over, in all sorts of families, not just young people moving back home but also young people taking longer to reach adulthood overall. It’s a development that predates the current economic doldrums, and no one knows yet what the impact will be…we’re in the thick of what one sociologist calls “the changing timetable for adulthood.”

The debate goes like this: on the one extreme are those who claim that the age range of 18 to ~30 represents a distinct stage of life, similar to adolescence, in which people are still developing their goals, plans, and worldviews, and should not be expected to take on the full weight of adult responsibilities. They use neurological studies to back this up, showing that the brain is not fully developed until roughly the age of 25.

On the other extreme are those who basically argue that such a definition would give twenty-somethings just another excuse to postpone growing up–that they need to stop leeching off of others and face the real world. They point to the fact that those who skip this phase, starting careers and families in their early twenties, don’t miss anything “universal and essential” for their development.

Of course, the debate is much more complex than these two extremes.  I won’t describe it in depth here: do yourself a favor and peruse the article for yourself.

My own views on this issue are mixed.  I tend to think that most of my peers are putting off adulthood more because they’re scared or lazy than because of anything else, but at the same time, I do believe that there are others who would like to grow up and move on, but don’t feel like they have a secure footing on this slippery thing we call the “real world.” I’d put myself in that category.

As an example, let’s examine how I’m doing with the transition to adulthood.  The five traditional milestones of the transition, according to the article, are:

1) Completing school
2) Leaving the home
3) Achieving financial independence
4) Getting married
5) Having a child

How am I doing with each one?

1) Completing school

I graduated in April of this year with a bachelors in political science and a bachelors in Middle Eastern studies & Arabic.  If that’s sufficient schooling to consider my education complete, then I’ve passed this mark.

In today’s world, however, many career paths require an advanced degree.  Political science especially is considered little more than a stepping stone, either to law school or a masters in public administration or public policy.

Middle Eastern studies is the same; most students go on to study Arabic at a graduate level, or else work in Washington DC for a while before getting a masters.  The only path that bypasses further education is the military, though I’m not sure if you can start working at the State Department with just a bachelors.  I doubt it.

None of those paths appeal to me, so as far as education is concerned, I’m basically stranded on a stepping stone in the middle of the river, unsure where to go.  I could get a generic job that only requires that you have a bachelors, but without an advanced degree, my career possibilities at this point are extremely limited.

Of course, in terms of my writing career, the educational requirements aren’t quite so stringent–you just need to write well.  However, I don’t think my creative writing is going to pay the bills anytime soon.  Eventually, I hope, but not yet.

2) Leaving the home

This is one I can solidly say that I have achieved.  I officially left home in 2003 and I have never stayed there for more than a couple of months since.  I have my own apartment and don’t plan on ever moving back in with my parents.

This is a very important thing to me.  When I was nineteen and preparing to leave on my two-year LDS mission, I remember thinking distinctly to myself that I was ready to leave home and set out on my own.  Saying goodbye was tearful and emotional, but I never struggled with homesickness on my mission (except in one apartment where I couldn’t bring myself to use certain silverware because it was the exact same kind we had at home).  In college, I never experienced homesickness at all.

I love my parents, but I will never move back in with them.  If I did, I would consider myself a failure.  That’s not that I consider others who move in with their parents to be failures–their circumstances are not mine–but I would never do it.  I’d go to an old family friend who occasionally takes in transients before I went to my parents.

3) Achieving financial independence

This is a milestone that I’m working to achieve.  For the past three months, I’ve been living completely independent of my parents, but I’ve just barely been able to make ends meet.  I have yet to find a mid- to long-term job, and a significant portion of my income currently comes from donating plasma.

In absolute terms, however, I am currently 100% financially independent.  I graduated from BYU with no debt whatsoever and a significant sum of money in the bank.  Right now, I’m paying for my own car and health insurance, my own rent, my own groceries, and from month to month I’m not losing any money.

Of course, I’m also living in a 6-person student apartment in Provo, which (hopefully) isn’t going to be the case a year from now.  When I move on, will I still be financially independent?  That’s certainly the plan, but only God really knows.

4) Getting married

Ha. Ha. Ha.  Definitely not there yet.

Not that I don’t want to be there.  Finding and marrying the right girl is definitely on the agenda, but it generally requires three things: 1) another person, 2) finding that person, and 3) winning that person over.

Historically, I have a remarkably poor track record on the “winning over” variable of the equation–it’s one of the reasons why Chloroform by Flickerstick is my favorite love song. However, I think the faulty variable in this case is the “finding,” and that’s totally my fault.  Here in Utah, there is no shortage of girls my age willing to get married–I just haven’t been putting in the effort to find them.

Why?  Because I’m lazy?  Because I’m scared?  Because I don’t know what I want?  Because I’m naturally independent and don’t feel a compelling need for an intimate relationship?  Probably some combination of all four.

The truth is, I just can’t see myself in a married relationship yet.  I can’t envision it.  How can you set goals when you lack any kind of vision?

I don’t blame anyone but myself for any of this.  Regardless, marriage is a milestone that I have yet to reach.

5) Having a child

To my knowledge, I haven’t done this yet.  Considering certain laws of biology, as well as the fact that I’m saving myself for marriage, it would be extremely disturbing (to say the least!) if it turns out that I have.

But even if I were married to a female of the human species capable of assisting me in accomplishing such a thing, is this something we would really want to do at this stage of our lives?  Raising children requires a lot of time, energy, maturity, and money.  The first three, we could probably manage, but is it really a good idea to start a family when you don’t have a steady, well-paying job?

Regardless, this milestone is so far ahead on the map that I haven’t given it hardly any thought.  The last time I tried to imagine what it would like to be a father was probably on my mission or shortly thereafter.

Is that a bad thing?  A sign of immaturity?  Maybe.  I don’t know.

Conclusion

I suppose, if there is such a thing as “emerging adulthood,” I would fall squarely in that camp.  Does that mean I just need to stop being irresponsible and grow up?  No–it’s much more complicated than that.

So many factors in the transition to adulthood depend on outside factors over which I have little control.  Financial independence, for example, hinges on getting a steady job.  Marriage depends on the right person saying “yes.” Responsibly having children requires both a spouse and financial independence.

At the same time, there is more that I could be doing–indeed, more that I should be doing.  The danger of society treating emerging adulthood as a legitimate stage of life is that it will inadvertently create a comfort zone that keeps otherwise capable adults too sheltered to deal with the real world.

I don’t want to be sheltered.  I want to do battle with this elusive “real world” on its own terms and kick its backside.  But am I ready to settle down?  I’m not sure.

I suppose the only thing that can be said for certain is that according to the five milestones, my younger sister Kate is more of an adult than me.  Ouch.  But if she can do it…I’m not even going to finish that statement.

One of these days, I’ll get there.  In the meantime, I’ve got a long way to go.