Happy progress

Now that school is out and I don’t have any pressing obligations to keep me busy, I’m making some excellent progress on my writing.  Really good progress, actually.  I revised about five thousand words today, which, according to openoffice’s wordcounting algorithm, puts me at 73% finished.  

Wow.  At that rate, I could be finished with the 2.0 revision of Genesis Earth by the end of the week.  I could finish the 3.0 version before the second weekend in May and get it out to all my beta readers by then.

Today, I went up to campus in the morning and had a liesurely, enjoyable day.  I set up camp at an LRC computer and just wrote for six hours, with about a forty five minute lunch break in between.  No other worries, no other obligations, pressing appointments, places to be…it was great.

I finished reading through Genesis Earth 1.0 a couple of days ago, and there was this conversation between my two main characters that really stood out to me.  They’re both on foot, headed towards a village of primitive, native peoples on a distant planet. Terra turns to Michael, the viewpoint character, and asks him, point blank, “are you happy?”

It’s not like the main character is depressed or anything, it’s just that, up to this point, he hasn’t really taken the time to think about himself, to think about why he does what he does.  Most of what he does, he does it for other people, or for some grand cause, or for something outside of himself.  He does that so much, in fact, that he doesn’t ever really notice whether he’s happy at what he’s doing, or satisfied,  or fulfilled.  Terra’s question forces him to think about where he is, what he’s doing, and evaluate whether his work, his cause, his chosen mission really does give him happiness.

Well, I asked myself that question as I was hanging out in the LRC, and I’ve got to say it makes me really happy to just write.  To immerse my mind in the story or project at hand and have that be my primary concern.  I was very happy today, just working on my own writing, at my own pace, and not having anything or anyone screaming at me to do anything else.

We’ll see how that changes over the next few days and weeks.  It will be an interesting summer if I end up in Provo, working on my writing and hitting up some of the cons out here.  It’ll definitely know if I can be truly happy and fulfilled with this writing lifestyle.

Living in a state of limbo

Graduation was today.  I’ve got another year left, but a lot of my friends are moving on.  I took my last exam of the semester on Monday, and my contract at the FLSR ends Saturday morning at 10 am.

And I have no idea where I’ll be living for the summer.

There’s a chance I might be going to New York for an internship with Brandon Sanderson’s agent.  My friend Steve has been planning to move to New York in June, to try and break into writing for Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock, and I thought it would be really cool to live with him while working/interning/whatever in the publishing world there.  I asked Brandon if he knew of any openings with editors/agents for a summer intern, and he got back to me with the news that his agent was looking to take one on.

Well, I got in touch with the guys over at JABberwocky literary agency at the beginning of the month, sent them a resume, had a phone interview, and…haven’t heard back yet.  They told me they’d get back to me after the London book fair, which was this past weekend, so…I’m still waiting to find out what they say.  I think the interview went okay, though I heard from Brandon that they’ve got a lot of other people itching to get this internship.  College graduates.  With degrees in editing and publishing.

So…I don’t know what’s going to  happen.  It would be WAY awesome to go to New York City this summer, and really awesome to be an intern in the publishing world.  REALLY awesome.  I’ve been following the publishing world, especially the sf&f corner of the publishing world, for a couple of years now.  It would be great to get in there and see it up close, see how it works, see what kind of career opportunities exist there and meet the people who are involved in all that.

If it doesn’t work out, though, that’s still okay.  I’ve got a backup plan.  It’s not as awesome, but it still works.  If I don’t go to New York, I’ll probably spend spring here in Provo, taking a break from classes and working odd jobs here and there (private English tutor–my boss at the FHSS Writing Lab can set me up with that–Arabic tutor, freelance editing, temp campus jobs during some of the conferences out here, etc).  I’d also spend some serious time working on my writing, and attend some of the major local sf&f conventions, such as BYU Writers and Illustrators for Young Readers and CONduit.  I might even be able to go home over summer term and attend Worldcon in Montreal.

I’ve got two finished rough drafts right now and two others that are only halfway finished.  With a relatively free summer, I could almost certainly have three polished, finished drafts by the time school starts again.  Perhaps I could even have them all finished before Worldcon 2009 in August, or finish all four of them before World Fantasy 2009 in October.

It would also be a good chance to see whether I can handle the writing lifestyle.  I’ve been writing fairly steadily for the past two or three years, doing between 500 to 1,000 words a day, but it was never the primary thing I was doing.  If I have the summer off from all my other obligations, I’ll be able to explore a little bit what it’s like to write full time.  It doesn’t exactly translate into something nice and shiny on a resume (not like an internship, at least), but it would give me some valuable and useful personal experience.

Besides that, taking time off would help me to figure out what I want to do post-graduation.  I’m aiming to be a professional writer, but I’ll probably graduate from BYU long before I sign my first book deal, so it’s good to have other directions to go.  Trouble is, whenever I’m busy with school I never take the time to think existentially about what I’m doing and what I want to do.  I’m so focused on the day to day aspect of things that I find it hard to make any long term plans.

Of course, either way is going to help me figure that out.  Whether taking time off to work on my writing or working as an intern for a literary agency, I’m going to gain experience that will help me figure out what I want to do after graduation.  So I can expect that to happen no matter where I go, I hope.

So…until I get an email / phone call from the guys at JABberwocky, things are up in the air.  It’s a little bit nerve wracking, especially with all of the moving out / moving in going on around here.  I know I won’t have any trouble getting a spring/summer contract here at BYU, but New York…I have no idea.  I’ve got family up there that I can stay with for a few days until I get settled, and there’s the housing list for the New York stake, but man, it’s expensive over there.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll end up staying here in Provo after all.  We’ll see how it goes.

(Image courtesy David Iliff. Published under a CC attribution 3.0 unported license.)

This sucks and I’m a horrible writer

It’s getting really, really hard for me not to believe that statement, especially as I finish up with the middle part of this novel.  I’m starting to realize that I made a whole bunch of mistakes pages and pages ago, and that the climaxes just aren’t working without everything set up right.

I know, cognitively, that it’s mostly just psychological and that this book probably isn’t as bad as I think it is, but I’m finding it hard to convince myself of that.  I got to the climax of part II yesterday, and it was…not what I’d had in my head.  That’s probably what’s frustrating me the most.  If I can’t write down the story as I have it in my head, what does that mean?  It either means I’m a terrible writer, or that I didn’t get the setup right (or both…gah!).

So…where do I go from here?  Throwing out the entire story isn’t an option–I’m not going to allow myself to do that.  I could, however, put it on the back burner for a while, let it simmer…or I could do or die and finish the 1.0 draft, no matter how crappy it turns out.  I suppose that would accomplish something for my self esteem, but is that the way to best serve the story?

Fortunately, this past week we talked about revision in English 318.  Listening to my recording of the class gave me a few ideas.  I could make a list of known problems, with their fixes, and continue as if I’d already made them.  I think I did that a few times with The Phoenix of Nova Terra, but I don’t know how I feel about that now.  I could probably make it work…

The main issue is that I feel very, very distant from this book.  A month ago, I was immersed in the thing, writing over a thousand words each day, just chugging it out.  Now, for various reasons, other things have come up and drawn away my attention, so I don’t feel that I’m really in this world anymore.  I feel like I’m more of an outsider, writing for the sake of writing rather than trying to tell this story the way it wants to be told.  I can’t really remember what I wrote a hundred pages ago, despite that big sheet of butcher paper up in my closet.

Another thing that complicates all of this is that I’m really, really excited about the other novel, Genesis Earth. I’ve gotten back comments from most of my alpha readers, and I’m all but chomping at the bit to start working on it again.  If I had nothing else going on, no pressing obligations or assignments, with the enthusiasm I have for this project I could probably finish the second draft in a week, and the third draft the week after that.

So…what’s next?

Well, I think I’m going to start the revision on Genesis Earth today or tomorrow.  When I was this enthused about revising Pheonix, I decided to wait and finish Genesis Earth instead, and the enthusiasm for that project died down surprisingly fast.  Better to start now than wait until I’ve got the free time but struggle with motivation.

In the meantime, I’m going to finish the current chapter of Bringing Estella Home and let it rest for a bit.  I’ll probably reread what I’ve got from the beginning, make a few revision notes, perhaps an outline of sorts–try to figure out what’s wrong, what I need to change to make it work.  I’ll restrain myself from actually making those revisions (though I did that, mid-draft, for Genesis Earth, and it turned out alright…sort of), but once I feel I’m sufficiently “into” the story again, I’ll get back to work and finish the 1.0 draft.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to do all that before the end of May.

The trouble here is that I’ll probably end up writing the first draft of this novel and revising the other one at the same time…something I tried last September and failed miserably.  However, by the time all of this is finished, inshallah school will be over and I won’t have to worry about it.  Things are looking really good for me to get an internship in NYC, which makes me think I should drop my Spring classes and just take it easy for a month before I start (as for housing, that’s a whole other conundrum…).

Gah!  Writing is complicated.  Is this something I want to do for the rest of my life?  Something I can do?  I don’t know.  I really don’t know.  I just have to keep on writing through this depressing pessimism and trust that it will pass.

As a side note, I took the title of this post from a Writing Excuses episode some time ago; here is the link to that episode, in case you want to hear it.

Slugging it out and summer plans

Ok, last week I wrote almost nothing on this blog, and last night I wrote a quick post before going to bed that didn’t really explain much.  I just got done reading one of Dave Farland’s kick-in-the-pants series of email newsletters and it said, basically, to post every day if you have a blog (unless it cuts into your writing time).  Sounds like a good plan: more, shorter posts instead of fewer, longer posts.  Here goes.

Last week was pretty crazy.  I got everything done by the time it needed to be done…barely…but it was so disorganized and upside down that it really grated on me.  It was one of those weeks where, when Saturday rolls around, you look at the calendar and think “where did all that time go?”

I tried to write every day, in the morning, but it didn’t work out.  At all.  I allowed myself to get distracted, and by the time I was ready to sit down and write, it was time to go to class.  After a couple of days of that, I just stopped getting up altogether.

I wanted to get through the last two chapters of Bringing Estella Home by yesterday, but that TOTALLY didn’t happen.  I’m still in the middle of chapter 9, not even to the major climactic battle that ends the second part.  Bah.  As a result, I’m starting to have doubts that I’m going to actually finish this novel by April.

HOWEVER, on a more positive (and a completely different note), I actually have an idea of what I’m going to do this summer.  I don’t know when or how exactly it hit me, but I have something of an idea, and it’s starting to really grow on me.

Here’s the plan: I spend the spring term here in Provo, retaking a handful of freshman level classes in order to boost my GPA (I got a C- in beginning piano, and a B- in Geo 120…yeah, those could be raised a little).  That’ll give me plenty of time to work on my writing and the opportunity to attend a couple of interesting looking writing conferences out here in Utah, such as BYU Writers for Young Readers and CONduit.

After the spring, I’ll head back East (haha!  ‘back East’!  I’ve been transformed into a Utahan!), spend a couple of days at home, take a train down to New York City and live for a month or two with my old roommate Steve Dethloff, who’s moving to NYC after he graduates.  I’ll try to get a job, possibly doing something writing/editing related, or maybe make some contacts in the publishing world.  Or not.  We’ll see how it goes.  But either way, I’ll have enough time to work on my writing.

Also, if I’m back East in August, I’ll be in a good position to attend Worldcon 2009 in Montreal.  I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to go, but it’s only 4-5 hours from my home.  I could borrow my parents’ car and drive up.  Then, later in August, we’re going to have our family vacation out on Cape Cod, so if I’m back East for summer, I’d definitely be in a good position for that.

Wherever I go, I’ll try to find work, but even if I don’t, I still have enough money left over from the Pell grant that these plans are still viable.  I’m certain I can find work down here in Provo, but I’m not that certain about New York.  Still, if I’m down there for only a month or two, it shouldn’t be too hard.  If I sublet out from Steve, rent should only be about $250-$300 per month.

Trouble is, there isn’t any awesome trip to the Middle East involved in these plans. :'( That’s sad.  But still, if I want to focus on my writing to get ready for World Fantasy and (potentially) Worldcon, it’s probably a better idea to stay in the country.  Going abroad would mean making a lot of difficult cultural and linguistic adjustments, and I’m worried that that would make it difficult to write.  I know that last time I went to Jordan, I didn’t hardly write at all (except in my blog, of course).

So, until I come up with a better plan, that’s what it looks like I’m doing for now.  We’ll see if things change.  And as for my novel, this week I’m totally going to do better.  I got up at 7am this morning and got in a good hour of writing before school.  Momentum is definitely building up again.

Almost at part 3

Wow, writing this novel is going a lot faster than I had thought. At the same time, though, I sometimes worry that I’m not going fast enough.

I broke the 50k mark this week, and I haven’t even gotten to any of the major climaxes yet. This thing could easily go to 90k words before the end. With only 6 1/2 weeks left in the semester, can I finish it in time?

At the same time, I have NO IDEA what I’m doing this summer. Really. I have a lot of possibilities, but no concrete plans. With the semester coming to a close in a little more than a month and my housing contract with the FLSR coming to an end, that is a little bit unnerving.

Whatever I do, I want to devote some serious time to revising and rewriting these novels, getting them polished. Finding a spring/summer contact isn’t that hard in Provo; the question is whether I can find a job. I also want to go to the Middle East for a while, and if I go home to Massachusetts in August (which I would like to do) another possibility is Worldcon 2009 up in Montreal.

As far as how Bringing Estella Home is coming, it’s coming along very well. I have all of the key climaxes mapped out in my head, and the one that ends part 2 and begins part 3 is only two chapters from where I am now. I don’t normally keep a detailed outline of the whole novel, but I can usually see at least one chapter ahead. Kind of like the faith-promoting story of how a train conductor only has to see as far as his headlights, except that with novel writing, getting derailed is a very real possibility. I know I’ve crashed and burned in my novel attempts before. Fortunately, this one seems to be right on track.

This semester hasn’t been too hard, but last week was somewhat harder than usual. However, it seems like things are starting to calm down into another lull (knock on wood), so I think I can shoot a little higher as to where I want to be at the end of this week (in terms of my novel). I’ve found that I can do about one viewpoint scene per day, one chapter per week. This week, I’m going to shoot for two chapters by Monday. It seems a bit tough, but since I’ve already written the first scene in chapter 9, I think I can do it.

Also, as an experiment, I’m going to try to wake up early and get in a solid hour of writing before I start my day. I found a random website the other day (lost the link, sorry) that showed the routines of several famous, successful writers. Almost all of them woke up early in the morning and did most of their work before noon. Right now, I write almost everything between eleven at night and three in the morning, so I’d like to see if I can change that. I may fail miserably, but what the heck. Now is the time in my life to figure out what works and what doesn’t.

LTUE 2009

Wow. Life, the Universe, and Everything 2009 is over, and it’s hard to believe that only three days have passed. It feels as if this symposium has been going on for a week, and that’s a good thing. Friday and Saturday, I spent practically every waking moment in the Wilk, the student center where the symposium was held. By the end, I think some of the professionals there were starting to recognize me and strike up conversations with me instead of the other way around. Kind of interesting. Way fun. Loads and loads of helpful advice and information to process. I’ll be lucky if I can soak it all in before the end of the year.

I’m glad to say I was able to open up and talk with a lot of people these past few days–in fact, I got a chance to talk with just about everyone who was on a panel that I’d attended. It was fun to shake their hands, compliment them on what they said, and strike up a conversation around that. It was surprisingly non-threatening, to be honest. I definitely feel more prepared for World Fantasy 2009 now–definitely.

By far, my favorite part of the convention was Tracy Hickman’s main address. It was titled Creative Reading 201, and it was all about how the reader and the writer are both collaborators in the creative experience, something that’s fascinated me for a long time. The implications of this simple fact are tremendous. First of all, it means that a story does not come to life until it is read. Anyone can get published, especially with the technology today, but all of those words are empty symbols until someone takes the time to read it. Second, it means that the spirit speaks to us in the white spaces between the lines. Just as people with different needs take the unique message they need from the scriptures through the power of the holy spirit, so each work of fiction speaks differently to us. Finally, all of this means that stories change as we change, even as they inevitably change us. As we grow, the stories that touched us the most simultaneously grow with us even as they help us to become better people.

Tracy Hickman then shared an incredible story about a book signing he and collaborator Margaret Weis had recently at a veteran’s home. A man in a wheelchair came up to them with an extremely tattered copy of one of their earlier works, about a knight who sacrifices his life in battle to save the order, even though all of his fellow knights in the order look down on him as less than a true knight. This wounded soldier then told them that this tattered book had traveled with him in his pocket throughout his military career, through parajumps, underwater operations, and into war theaters like Afghanistan. While fighting in Afghanistan, this soldier was shot in the lower back. As he went down, his first thought was “what would the knight in Tracy’s book do?” He saw the Taliban forces setting up a mortar on the opposite ridge, and in spite of his wounds and the risk to his life, he took down the enemy and saved twelve of his fellow soldiers fighting in that battle. The soldier then presented his purple heart and bronze star to Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman, for writing the story that inspired him to be a hero.

Sometimes, as I’m sludging away with my writing and wondering what I’m going to do in 2010 when I finally graduate, I wonder if I’m somehow being lazy. I worry that I’m somehow being irresponsible by not going into some other profession, some kind of respectable 9 to 5 job in an office, the kind of thing that everyone else goes into. I wonder if I’ll ultimately become some kind of a parasite on society, trying to make it big as a writer. In the worst moments, I worry that even if I make it big, I’ll still be some kind of parasite, not really producing anything respectable or useful. After all, fiction is entertainment, especially in genre fiction–don’t we have enough of that already?

Then I remember the impact that one good book can have on people–the way it changes us, the way it opens our eyes and helps us to become better people than we were before we picked up the book. Then I realize: what could possibly be more respectable than telling good, honest, life-changing stories? And then, as I think about it a little more, I realize that that 9 to 5 office job isn’t what I think it is. I realize that I’m not slacking off by trying to be something more than a cog in the corporate machine, producing widgets.

If I strive to tell the truth as a storyteller, and to write the kinds of stories that truly inspire people to do marvelous things and become better people, what greater career is there than that? Teaching, I suppose, comes close to having a similar impact, as well as some kinds of therapy work. Certainly there are other careers that have tremendous opportunities to sacrifice and have a meaningful impact on one’s fellow men. However, my talent is in writing and telling in stories–and it’s a talent that I cannot suppress, from which I cannot escape. So long as I live, I will always tell stories–it’s just hardwired into who I am. Certainly I can use this talent to serve my fellow men in a way that is both respectable and meaningful. And really, for me personally, what else could be better?

It doesn’t mean that it isn’t scary. However, thanks to LTUE this year, I feel that I’ve learned a lot that can help me break in and make it. Whether it was something said in one of the panels or just the experience of attending, it was a truly awesome experience for an aspiring writer like myself.

As far as the files, I’ll post links to the audio files from the conference after I get them uploaded. I should be able to do that sometime within the next 24 to 48 hours, so look out for that.

It’s been a while

Man, it’s been a while since I wrote on this blog.  I guess I’m caught in the semester tailspin or something.

Writing’s going really well, though.  I’m about 100 pages into Bringing Estella Home right now, and even though I’m probably a day or two behind where I’d like to be, I’m generally right on schedule to finish it in April.

I say that tentatively because I’m a discovery writer, so I can’t really predict when I’m going to finish it since it’s probably going to do something crazy and surprise me.  However, I feel reasonably confident that I can finish this thing by late April.

To help out with this, I’ve engaged in a little friendly competition with Aneeka.  She’s finished her 1st draft (‘skeletal’ draft, I guess you could call it) of her next novel, but she’s going to go through and do a major revision.  We’re racing each other to see who’s going to finish first!

Hehehe…I am so going to win this.  After losing our last contest, I’d better make it up this time!

I had a surprisingly satisfying day today.  My classload is really light, but there was one midterm I had to take this week, and I took it this morning.  I spent all yesterday studying, which is why I only wrote about 500 words, but I got a 98 on the scantron section so I think I’m in good shape.  And really, I don’t have any midterms in any of my other classes (hard to believe, but true), so I think the worst of the mid-semester crunch is past me!

Man, it’s nice having almost no school obligations!

I’m starting to think I should stay here in the US this summer.  After all, if I’m trying to get ready for World Fantasy, I should put a lot of work into my stories.  If I do stay here, though, where will I go?  Maybe I could teach  Arabic at one of these summer seminar things.  Maybe I could go to the East Coast doing that.  Maybe I could stay here in Utah.  I don’t know.  It’s so complicated…and meanwhile, the clock  is ticking.

Another confession: part of me wants to go to Iraq to work for a year right after I graduate.  Why?  Well, the money would be nice.  But really, I’d want to do it because of the way that experience would enrich my writing.  Make it a lot more gritty, the conflict that more real.  It might even qualify my to write military sf–who knows?

Don’t worry–I’m not crazy enough to listen to that part of my brain.  At least, not yet. 😛

Productivity breakdown

I’ve been thinking a lot about the writing I accomplished in the past few semesters. In some ways, I worry that I’ve become a lot more disorganized and a lot less productive than I was a year ago.

Back in winter ’08, I took a couple of really difficult classes, got up early each morning to work in the BYU Bookstore stockroom, wrote a handful of very difficult research papers…and still managed to write about 120,000 words. Oh, and I wrote on this blog almost daily. I finished my first novel, started my second, read a dozen other novels, wrote reviews of them all…
I accomplished quite a lot.

In fall ’08, however, my workload was much lighter, my classes were ridiculously easy, I didn’t have to get up early to work…and yet I only wrote about 70,000 words, didn’t hardly write for this blog, only read a couple of books, etc etc.  Much less productive.

Though, I guess you could say that I made up in other areas.  I started working for the FHSS Writing Lab, and that took a lot of my time and mental energy.  Also, I think the quality of my writing improved quite a bit, and I experimented a lot with things that I hadn’t tried previously.  Right now, I feel that Genesis Earth, my second novel, is a much better work than The Phoenix of Nova Terra.

So maybe all of this “oh my goodness where did my productivity go” is just me worrying for no reason.  It’s hard not to worry about it, though.

I know for certain that I could be much more productive with my time.  I come home tired, with less than an hour before dinner, and I usually squander the time on the internet or with video game emulators.  I tend to put off homework, and only do the stuff that will get me in trouble if I don’t do it (though some would say that that’s a life skill…hmmm…).  On any given day, the last two hours before I go to bed is filled purely with time wasting activity.  I could use an extra two hours of sleep…

Meh.  I guess it’s always a struggle.  A year from now, I’ll probably be saying “I can’t believe how productive I was back in winter ’09!” That, and “holy cow, what am I going to do after I graduate??”

The Christmas spirit

When I was a missionary, my mission president had us all take a break from the work during the Christmas season to watch A Christmas Carol–any particular version, no matter.  When I first came out it was only a couple of months before Christmas, so I was a little bit surprised with this rule–after all, isn’t the missionary work the most important thing to be doing? (I was an extremely hard working missionary, especially in my first year)

However, after watching the 1984 version of A Christmas Carol (the one with George C Scott), I saw exactly why the president felt it was important to take time out to catch the Christmas spirit.  Charles Dicken’s story is just so classic, with its stingy, lonely, greedy protagonist who finds his life completely transformed by the values and virtues Christmas was meant to celebrate: charity, love, kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, empathy, cheerfulness, compassion–a love of God and an understanding that “mankind is [our] business.” When you get right down to it, that’s what Christmas is all about–that’s the culmination of all of our cheery Christmas songs, our beloved holiday traditions, all of the crazy things we do only once a year.  It’s great.

We’ve got a few quirky traditions in my family, but now that my sisters are married, I’m starting to find out that we’re not the only ones!  Every year, the Law’s throw a movie marathon with nearly a dozen different film versions of A Christmas Carol.  I showed up for the last one around 10:15 pm, the one (big surprise!) with George C Scott.  Holy cow–nothing could have gotten me more into the Christmas spirit than that!  Such a good movie–such good acting–such a magnificent transformation–such a wonderful message.

Christmas isn’t about material things.  With the economic crisis and the financial meltdown hitting us full swing, it’s not hard to feel like this is the year that the Grinch stole Christmas.  But really, it’s not about that.  It’s about love and giving, about appreciating the people in our lives, and the blessings of God to all of us.  It’s about remembering that Jesus Christ gave us an infinite gift, and that no matter our trials and hardships, he will always bring good things to our lives, because he loves us.  It’s about remembering that mankind is our business, and that showing our love and doing good, kind things for each other is more important than any of our material comforts and luxuries.  Christmas is Christmas whether it comes to the rich or the poor, and because of Christ, all of us are blessed.

When I’m married and have a family of my own, I want to make it a tradition to watch this movie every year.  It’s good.  Charles Dicken’s story shows us what Christmas is really about, in a profound and timeless way.  What a beautiful story.  What a wonderful time of year.  What a wonderful gift that God has given us in his son, Jesus Christ.

I am SO ready to wash the dust of this semester from my feet

Ugh.  I feel like this has been my worst semester yet.  Not in terms of grades, or in terms of social life, or even in terms of workload, but just…in terms of my classes.  Classes, and just school in general.

Here’s what I’ve figured out.  My best, most enjoyable classes are the ones that really push me, and the most miserable classes are ALWAYS the ones that are too easy.  If it doesn’t help me to learn and grow, if it doesn’t change my perspective, if it doesn’t open new doors of knowledge to me, I hate it.  All the rote things that we do for grades–tests, papers, homework, attendance quizzes, extra credit assignments, all that stuff–if it’s all for the grade’s sake, I just go crazy.  I can’t stand it.  And if it’s all about memorizing data and spitting it back like a machine, I feel like I’m going to lose it.

Well, that’s the way I’ve basically felt all semester.  To make it worse, all of my classes overlapped to the point where it started to feel like I was listening to exactly the same lecture over and over again.  When that happens, what little there is about the subject that is interesting just seems to dissipate.

I can work really hard when I have the motivation.  When I’m doing something that I love, I can really accomplish some amazing things.  But when I don’t have the motivation…it’s almost impossible to bring myself to sit down and do it.

That’s basically been the story of this semester: trudging through day after day of work, pushing myself to do things that I didn’t really want to do. I suppose I did a good job of it…but it was very draining.  It took almost as much work just to force myself to sit down and focus as it did to actually do the work.  As a result, even though the workload wasn’t particularly hard or particularly exhausting, I never felt that I had the time to do what I wanted to do.

I suppose it would be immature to say “I’m not going to do what I don’t want to do,” but at the same time, life is too short not to get out and have fun.  If you’re doing what you love, you can have fun and work hard at the same time.  Like this Earth, I don’t have an inexhaustible supply of energy.  I need to find and develop renewable resources–the things I love to do, the things that engage my imagination and passions and really energize me–and build my life on those.  I wouldn’t even care living poor, so long as all my needs were supplied.  I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and utterly burned out.

Interestingly enough, because of this crappy semester, I am more motivated than ever to break into publishing and get paid full time for writing novels.  My plans haven’t changed yet, but now I want, more than ever, to actually make a living doing this stuff.  Most of my inhibitions now are gone, it’s just…well, that first step.  It’s pretty hard, and I don’t want to build up my expectations too much only to find myself out of school, without a job, and without money to pay the rent.  Especially not in this recession.

But I do want to become a full time writer now–at least, more than before.  I don’t know if it will ever happen, but if I’ve dedicated this much of my life to it, why shouldn’t I shoot for it?  I don’t know.  We’ll see.