career decisions – Page 16 – One Thousand And One Parsecs

Gah! It sucks

I’m about a third of the way through To Search the Starry Sea, and my greatest fear at this point is that it isn’t as good as the last novel I wrote. Because if it isn’t as good, that means that I’m getting worse, not better, and if I’m getting worse, that means I’m never going to make it as an author, because I’m not even published yet, and if I’m not going to make it as an author, that means I’m going to have to do what I’m doing NOW for the rest of my life, which means that I’m going to be miserable and life is going to suck…

Seriously, though, sometimes I wonder if I’ve really made the right choice. To Search the Starry Sea is much more of a happy adventure story, but sometimes I feel that it lacks depth and meaning. I’m starting to get feedback from my alpha readers for Bringing Stella Home, and their reactions to it are surprisingly encouraging. That story moved people–but this one? I don’t know.

Then again, Bringing Stella Home is dark, gritty, and very tragic. I remember feeling depressed by the story even as I wrote it. Is that the kind of story I want to be known for? If I can write something deep and meaningful and have it be optimistic and adventuresome, that would be a lot better.

I’m discovery writing it hardcore, which means that side characters often come to play a much more central role than I’d thought, and events that I thought I could cover in a chapter, I have to cover in two. I have an idea where the story is going to end up, though, and it’s going to be awesome. How awesome? Let me show you:

Yeah, it’s going to be awesome.

I think the key to keeping it meaningful is 1) to keep in mind the main character’s inner conflicts, framing them in a way that the readers can relate to their struggles, and 2) keeping the overall growth arc constantly in mind. How does what’s happening affect how the character is changing? That kind of stuff.

I hope I can finish this in two months. I’m mired in the middle of it right now, and the end is far from sight.

In the meantime, I think I’ll get some sleep.

Career chat at high tea

So my Turkish supervisor at WINEP took us new interns (all four of us) out to the Mayflower hotel last week for high tea, where we talked about how things have been going for us at the institute so far. It was interesting–the first time this Mormon boy has been out to tea, particularly in such an upscale setting.

One of the questions he asked was “what are your long term career goals?” I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I know what I didn’t say–that I wanted to break into publishing and become a novelist.

(Just in cast my supervisor reads this, I want to make it clear I wasn’t uncomfortable talking about my literary aspirations with him; it was just that the conversation at the table seemed to be headed in a very different direction, and I didn’t want to derail it. Everyone else was talking about grad school, study abroad, government, that sort of thing–and I got the sense that that’s really what my supervisor wanted to talk about.)

My experiences in the past three weeks in Washington DC have only confirmed and strengthened my goals to pursue writing as a full-time career. At the same time, though, I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to limit myself to one career track; many people in this “town” (as everyone calls it) bounce around in multiple careers, some of them quite different. It’s not so much about working a “day job” until you get published, so much as doing multiple things and being ambitious.

That said, I don’t see myself pursuing a career in policy-making. Everyone I see doing that is working overtime, all the time. Instead, I want to find something that’s going to facilitate and reinforce my writing career.

There are some things I like very much about where I’m working, though. One of those is the emphasis on the Middle East–such a fascinating and dynamic part of the world, rich in history and culture. Another thing I love is how informed I am about current events–never in my life have I been so up to date in what’s going on in the region. The news really comes to life when you’re keeping up with it on an hour by hour basis. And I also enjoy the more academic-ish feel to the place here–the emphasis on research and scholarly pursuits.

Some things, though, I really don’t like. One of those is being stuck in an office all day. The people I work with are great–I couldn’t ask for better. But the office environment, with its dynamics…I don’t enjoy being in an office all day. The same goes for wearing a suit and a tie–I’m not a big fan.

In short, I really don’t know where I’m headed in my non-writing career; nothing has really “clicked” yet (if anything, just the opposite). But whatever I do, it’s probably going to involve something Middle East, and something that helps to facilitate my literary aspirations. That’s all I know for now.

Thoughts on future career

Just a few quick, scattered thoughts before I run off to work.

Working a desk job has convinced me that if at all possible, I want to make my full time living as a novelist. I don’t see myself doing what I’m doing in this internship for the rest of my life, or even for a major part of it.

Don’t get me wrong–WINEP is a great place to work. The people are great, the organization is prestigious and very well run, the public events are fascinating and frequent, and the stuff we produce is good, well-researched material. I’m not writing this in response to anything specific I’ve encountered at the institute–just a realization after being immersed for two weeks in an office environment.

I’ve only been averaging about 500 words a day since I came here–but I’ve been writing every day, because now, more than ever, I see this as the path I want to take. The path I need to take. I don’t want to be stuck in a desk job the rest of my life.

Finishing and beginning

Classes for this semester are over, I’ve turned in all my papers, taken all my exams but one, and now I feel like I have this giant void in my life. I was walking around on campus today with literally no idea where I was going or what I should do.

It was…strange.

With school out, I’m getting ready to leave Provo for good. I won’t be coming back for the winter, seeing as I’ll be in Washington DC. As for post graduation plans, nothing’s solid, but I probably won’t be coming back to Utah. Not for a while, at least.

It’s exciting and scary, but mostly exciting. 2010 is going to mark the end of my academic career and my first venture into the real world. Beyond this internship, I have no idea what I’m going to do, but I’m starting to formulate some plans. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Post-graduation options:

Go to grad school
Work side jobs while writing novels
Travel across the Middle East for a year or two
Start a career in Washington DC

The first option (grad school) isn’t going to happen right away. I’ve already decided that I’m not going to go to grad school until I have a definite plan for what I want to accomplish with it (an “exit strategy,” if you will). Interning in Washington might give me an idea of what I want to study, but I’ll probably take a year off from academics just the same.

The second option (side jobs & writing) is an interesting option that I haven’t really thought through. It would involve a lot more focus on writing and trying to get published, but it would also involve a lot of uncertainty until my writing career really gets launched. However, I’d have a lot of flexibility in where I could live. I could stay in Washington DC, or move back to Massachusetts, or come back to Utah.

The third option (travel) is definitely the most exciting and adventurous of the four. It would involve living in a Middle Eastern country for a year or two, teaching English to support myself while I see the country and work on my writing. Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Egypt, even the Gulf…man, it would be awesome! I have friends from the MESA program who are doing it, too.

Man, that would be fun–and definitely give me a lot to write about, besides awesome life experiences! Finding a girl and settling down, though…probably not going to happen until I get back. That’s the downside.

The fourth option (career) is entirely dependent on what happens this winter in Washington. If I find that I love what I’m doing with my internship, I’ll probably look to get a job with WINEP or an organization like it. I’ve got to admit, it would certainly give me a comforting degree of direction and certainty if such were the case–to graduate with a job in hand, doing something that I love.

At the same time, however, there’s a danger that a career in this field might not leave me with much time to pursue my writing. My dream job is still to be a full-time novelist, and I need to remember that while I’m in Washington. If I find that my work with WINEP leaves me with little to no time to write, I’ll have to re-evaluate my plans.

So really, this internship in Washington is going to be more about testing the waters than anything else. I’m going to have to periodically ask myself 1) whether this is the kind of work I find enjoyment and personal fulfillment doing, 2) whether this is the kind of work I can balance with a writing career, and 3) what opportunities are available for me in this particular field. Since it all depends on how the internship goes, I can anticipate one of three things happening:

Possible reactions to my internship:

I love the work that I do for my internship.
I hate the work that I do for my internship.
I am utterly indifferent to the work I do for my internship.

If #1 is the case, I should focus on getting a job from my internship connections, provided I can still make time to write while doing this kind of work. If not, I can probably still find a similar career path that does allow me enough time to pursue a writing career on the side.

If #2 is the case, it means that policy making and research is not my thing, but I still have a passion for the Middle East. Taking a year or two off to travel will become a very appealing option at that point.

If #3 is the case, it means that I’m going to have to completely retool. I have no idea what I’ll end up doing if this happens. Travel, maybe–but what good would it do me, if a Middle East related career doesn’t interest me? Maybe I’ll take a year off to work on my math and go back to grad school for astronomy. Maybe I’ll work odd jobs like Robert Charles Wilson until I get published. Maybe I’ll become a hobo and vanish into obscurity. I don’t know.

Whatever happens, writing is going to be a priority. If I can make an adequate living writing fiction, I’m going to do it. Which makes me wonder–what does that mean about all my other plans? Is all of this Middle East stuff just a temporary fix until I get published, hopefully in the next five years? Or is it something more permanent?

I have absoultely no idea, but this post is already getting pretty long, so I’ll cut it here. Regardless what happens, however, I’m 100% confident that everything will work out in the way that it should. These life changes are more exciting than they are scary. I’m looking forward to the new year very much!

Thoughts on World Fantasy 2009

Since it’s been a couple of days since World Fantasy 2009, I guess I should share some of my thoughts before life starts pulling me in other directions.

First of all, I was surprised at how similar it was to LTUE, CONduit and other convention/symposium events I’ve already attended. The basic format was the same: dealer’s room open all the time, with panels every hour until the evening. The only real differences from that were the hotel bar downstairs, the consuite upstairs, and the parties at night.

Second, I was extremely surprised to see so many other people from Utah. Honestly, there were about thirty or forty of us, about half of whom I knew from LTUE, CONduit, English318–and the others all knew someone I knew from one of those places. It’s funny to think that we traveled nearly a thousand miles just to network with each other, but that’s pretty much the case.

Third, I was surprised at how much drinking was going on. Maybe it’s just because I don’t drink, but it doesn’t make sense to me to come to a business meeting and get intoxicated in front of the people you’re trying to impress. Not that I was uncomfortable. There were enough other non-drinkers there that I didn’t feel out of place, and even the outright drunks were more entertaining than anything else. If anything, I guess it was an interesting anthropological experience (kind of like reading Twilight, except…different).

Fourth, I was surprised at how down-to-Earth and accessible everyone was. Big name authors, editors and agents at the major houses, staff and editors from the small presses–everyone was very friendly and accessible. I talked with Ann VanderMeer briefly about my capstone project on Israeli politics. I talked with David Drake about the difference between him and Haldeman. I talked with Kay Kenyon about Star Control II and Alastair Reynolds. I talked with Liz Gorinsky (editor at Tor) about Jake Von Slatt, Jim Frankel (senior editor at Tor) about Guy Gavriel Kay, Guy Gavriel Kay about Brandon Sanderson, Brandon’s Agent Joshua Bilmes about Eddie, his assistant-gone-agent, etc etc.

None of this was planned; it all just happened. Everyone was very friendly. In fact, I was particularly surprised at how many people became interested in me when I said I was an Arabic / Mideast studies major. I ran into Brent Weeks’ wife in the bar and talked with her for almost half an hour about Egypt and the Middle East, and she actually seemed interested in what I had to say.

At the same time, I was surprised at some of the tackier things that happened, too. Maybe this is just my pet peeve, but at every single panel I attended, someone in the audience raised their hand and said “I don’t really have a question, but…” and went on and on for several minutes discussing one of their ideas–TAKING TIME AWAY from the panelists and the people with genuine questions. Some people even tried to pitch books that way! Laaaaame.

I will say, though, that as far as pitching books, it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. From Brandon’s Class, it seemed that a lot of these people would let you send your full manuscript if you just asked them…and maybe that was the case, but other Utah friends at the convention told me that when they tried to pitch, it didn’t turn out so well. I generally felt a lot of question, so I tried to err on the side of being non-aggressive. At least I can mention in a cover letter that I saw them.

The last thing that surprised me was a lot more personal, but out of everything else, it probably surprised me the most. I saw several aspiring writers who seemed so stressed out about breaking in, and it surprised me, because…I don’t feel that way at all. In fact, I felt a strong sense of peace as I thought about my future. It’s not a question of “if” I’ll be published, but “when,” and getting there is going to be an exciting adventure.

Anyhow, I enjoyed World Fantasy 2009 a ton! It was an overwhelmingly positive experience.

I look forward to having a 9 to 5 job

I really do.

School is difficult, because you can never really separate yourself from your work at the end of the day. You’ve always got homework to do for the next day, or some project to prepare, some reading to do. There’s never a defined time where it “ends.”

This semester so far has been pretty crazy–not as crazy busy as some semesters, but it’s starting to approach it. I’m taking my capstone class, and it’s fairly rigorous. Today, I’m doing a research proposal presentation, and I just discovered, after looking in the syllabus last night, that a 2 page mock grant proposal is due Wednesday. On my birthday. <groan>.

I’m stressing out a bit about this presentation. Professor Christensen is a real stickler for presentations. Going over 6 minutes will dock your grade 10%+. Looking at the audience for less than 90% of the time will dock your grade about 5% or so. It doesn’t help that I’m going on the last possible day.

Now, I’m probably stressing out more than I need to. I’m just unfamiliar with this format for presentations, and that’s getting to me. The result is that when I sit down to write, I find it very hard to concentrate because my mind is on this other stuff. And since I could be using any writing time to work on my presentation, I usually end up doing that. Unfortunately, because I’m not very familiar with this kind of assignment, I don’t think a lot of that time is particularly productive.

It will be nice to have a job that ENDS at five o’clock and gives me the rest of the day to do what I want, without having to worry about the stuff that happens from nine to five. In some ways, it will probably be more conducive to my writing, even if it does require more time than my classes. It’s very hard to have the mental space for writing when you’re over your head in homework.

Six weeks to World Fantasy

Holy cow! How is September halfway over? It seems like school started just a week ago. Only six and a half weeks before World Fantasy convention in San Jose, and I think I’m going to have to readjust some of my goals.

I’d wanted to finish Bringing Stella Home 2.0 by the 11th of October, but the way school and work is looking, I probably won’t be able to write 2k words every day in order to meet that goal. Besides, the story has several major issues that can only be fixed with a major overhaul, so there’s no way this novel is going to be ready for submission in time for the convention.

However, Genesis Earth is looking pretty good. So far as story issues go, I was very satisfied with the third draft–I think I fixed all the major issues and wrote something that’s pretty close to salable. Before the convention, I want to go through and make one final revision, one where I polish up the prose and fix the readability issues. That shouldn’t be too hard–I can probably do that in two to three weeks.

So here’s what I’m going to do in the next six weeks. I’m going to check out all of Robert Charles Wilson’s books and immerse myself in his prose–not to copy it, but to hopefully boost the quality of my own prose. The quality of his writing is fantastic, a beautiful mesh of literary prose and thriller pacing and rhythm. While I’m doing that, I’ll start the 4.0 draft of Genesis Earth and work hard at it, until I’ve polished that work as much as I can. That’s the work that I’ll try to sell when I’m at World Fantasy.

I’m a little worried, because I submitted the full manuscript to Krista Marino back in June and haven’t heard back. At the BYU Writers and Illustrators for Young Readers conference, she said she had a response time of 4 months, but I’m worried I won’t hear back from her before World Fantasy. Is it appropriate to send a polite note asking her to get back to me before the convention? I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot by sending out simultaneous submissions, and if an editor asks to see my ms, I want to be able to send it to them ASAP. Then again, I suppose I could just tell them that the full is currently with someone else, and that would demonstrate some professionalism…but I want to be able to send it if/when they ask for it.

Which reminds me: I need to do some HEAVY agent/editor research before this convention. I want to go to World Fantasy with a list of people to look for, so I know where to go to network, which panels to attend, who to look out for in the hallways and parties. I want to be very professional about this, and get the most out of those two/three days that I can.

As for Bringing Stella Home, my current WIP, I’m going to do my best to finish it before World Fantasy so that I can start November with something new. I need to finish that book before I can set it aside and let it percolate in my mind for the next revision. Besides, it’s been too long since I’ve worked on something completely new. After October, I’ll need to take a break from all these revisions.

So that’s the plan: Finish Genesis Earth 4.0 and Bringing Stella Home 3.0 before World Fantasy. Research all the editors and agents to look out for at the convention. Oh, and hold down 14 credit hours and 2 on-campus jobs at the same time, with some time left over for a dating/social life (INSHALLAH).

Hehe…these next six weeks are going to be packed!

First week drama and other news

It’s been a while since I’ve written here, mostly because it’s been a crazy week so far. Gosh, it feels like Saturday already. School’s back in session, and while the homework hasn’t been bad so far (and probably won’t be), I’ve been jumping through hoops just to get this semester figured out.

Long story short, my work schedule has been clashing with my class schedule, especially since I decided I wanted to drop this English class that didn’t look very appealing. But to graduate with an English minor, I must take an English class this semester, and all the ones I want to take conflict with this two hour weekly mandatory in service class. My boss will probably fire me if I can’t make the meeting, but you know what? As much as I love the FHSS Writing Lab, school comes first. If push comes to shove (and I really hope that it doesn’t), I’ll probably just find work elsewhere this semester.

Augh. Everything’s complicated by the fact that you have to use add/drop cards for some dumb reason, so you can’t just rearrange your schedule online. If you drop a class, then realize that you shouldn’t have done it…tough. Blegh.

Making things even more complicated are the looming deadlines. I’ve barely touched the FAFSA (need to get on that), and for Washington Seminar I’ve got a lot of application work to do ASAP.

As usual, though, it’s the little stuff that really gets to me, not the big, earthshaking stuff. In twenty four hours, all this crap will probably be resolved. Twenty four hours ago, I was frantically trying to find an English class, and now I’m signed up for this AWESOME wilderness writing class! I am so looking forward to it!

With all this first week upside downness, you would think my writing has suffered. Well, not so! I put in a solid 3k today, writing in hour-long blocks between classes and from 7pm to 11pm tonight. Very satisfying to get so much done, at least as far as writing is concerned.

Now, I need to get to bed. I’ve decided to keep working out in the mornings, like I did all summer, but the SFH weightroom closes from 8am to 4pm for classes, so I need to get up around 6:30 if I want to work out. G’night!

Blarg.

I’ve got a bad case of writer’s avoidance. It’s annoying.

I wrote 1,500 words in Bringing Stella Home today, and about 800 words of outlining. That might seem like a lot, but when you consider how much free time I had today, it’s really not that much. Blarg.

I’m all moved in to my new place, with my class and work schedule all worked out, my insurance paid for, groceries in the fridge, books on the shelf (or boxed in the closet–not much book space, considering that Ben’s already taken most of it!), etc etc. I even went on a date last night–a really awesome one! So it’s not like I can say “I had chores” and use that as an excuse.

Part of the problem, though, was that I didn’t have this particular section very well planned. Without having a good macroscopic view of the novel, it’s hard to revise things right. Fortunately, I took a step back today and planned out the next three chapters or so. That should keep me going strong for a while.

Whenever I stop procrastinating and just write, I usually dive right into it. It’s thinking too much about it before I start that really holds me back.

So, no more thinking–just doing.

Tomorrow is the last Friday before school starts, and the last 100% open day I have before the craziness begins. Here’s what I plan to do:

Cook chili (all from scratch–I’m soaking the beans tonight).
Pick up tupperware and a cutting board from DI.
Read and critique the stories for writing group.
Read required readings for Poli Sci 309R (or, if not, at least on Saturday).
Go to the temple–gotta go to the temple before school starts.
Catch up a bit on the blogging backlog (and boy is it LONG).

Hopefully, in between all of that, I can knock off a chapter or two. My goal: 4k words. Gotta buckle down!

In related news, I got an amazing compliment from my friend Drek! We were chatting online, and this is what he said:

Ben: Just remember you have to find a girl BEFORE you become an incredibly famous novelist, or you’ll never know if your wife married you for your money or your looks.

me: ha

ha

ha

no, I”m probably going to be poor and destitute all my life

working a day job

Ben: No way, I predict you’ll be a professional author within five years.

me: thanks

but will it be enough to make a living?

lots of bestselling authors still have day jobs

Ben: Eh, you’ll have more of a day “hobby” just so you can earn some play money.

me: perhaps

Ben: Anyway, see you on Saturday!

Thanks Ben! I haven’t really thought of it that way (I don’t dare get my hopes up), but that would be awesome if things worked out that way. That’s the goal, in any case. I just hope I can keep my head out of the water after I graduate!

Finally, I’ll leave you with some awesome Celtic music–part of the reason I haven’t been writing!

Refocusing

If you’re a regular of this blog, you may have noticed that I took off the statusbar for Ashes of the Starry Sea 2.2. I’ve decided to discontinue that project for the foreseeable future, while I work on Genesis Earth and Bringing Stella Home.

It’s not that I think that Ashes doesn’t have potential, or that I can’t rewrite it. It’s just that I don’t want something good to keep me from doing my best.

Ashes, in its first incarnation, was very much a practice novel. It has potential, but it’s going to take a lot of work to get it publishable. In the meantime, I’ve got two other novels that are much better–much more workable. I don’t want them to be any worse because I’ve diverted too much attention toward something else.

When I wrote Ashes two years ago, I cringed at the thought that this was going to be just a practice novel. It was my magnum opus, the best thing I’d ever written! Well, since then, I’ve written a lot of other stuff that is much better. I’m able to let this baby sit on the back burner while I polish the better stuff.

(baby…back burner…okay, disturbing image)

In unrelated news, I had an AWESOME story idea today at Leading Edge!

Ever read the Illiad or the Odyssey? Didn’t you think that the Greek gods were just so petty, with their stupid feuds and their dumb wagers? Did it disturb you how they toyed around with humanity, ruining people’s lives just for sport?

Well, imagine this: an ancient Greek Van Helsing who slays gods instead of vampires!

Yeah, man! That’s gotta make for some interesting story material right there! The godslayer…the man who dares to challenge fate and takes up arms against the forces of the universe, slaying the immortals, overpowering the omnipotent, and outwitting the omniscient. Sounds like…like Richard Dawkins meets Sparticus. =P

Anyway, that’s the idea. What’s your take on it?