I like to tell people that I don’t believe in the concept of “falling in love”–that true love isn’t something you fall into, it’s something you grow into. The thing you fall into is called “infatuation,” which by itself doesn’t last long. It’s happened to me many times, and look at how single I am.
However, I was listening to this week’s episode of This American Life, and the first story got me to think about the concept of “falling in love.” The story was about an American exchange student in China who went back a year later in order to chase down this girl he’d met over there. Miraculously, he found her, and in a short period of time, they married each other.
The story doesn’t end there, though, nor does it gloss over or ignore their struggles since getting married. In fact, they’re both surprisingly candid. Even though they could have broken up, though, they said that the incredible story of how they got together kept them going until they worked through the crisis. The narrator finished:
..Eric and Yuen-Yuen had to make that same transition that all couples do, from the crazy, in-love stage to the other thing—the hard part of love. And it’s when you’re in that struggle that you most need the story of how you’re meant to be, because the alternative–that the person you’re with could be one any one of hundreds or thousands of other people–well, if that’s true, then why even try?
This got me to wondering–is there something besides sentimental hogwash to the notion of falling in love? Is it a necessary myth? Or is it more than a myth? Growth is generally something you control, but if all you can say is that you and your significant other “grew” into where you are today, is that enough to keep you going?
Snarkiness aside, I suppose it’s different for everybody. Some people have to believe they were fated to be together, while others abhor anything but the idea that love is something that grew slowly and steadily, without crazy flashes in the pan.
The important thing, I suppose, is that when it comes to love, we all have to have a story that we tell ourselves. Without a story to help us make sense why we’re with our significant other, it’s possible to think about leaving them.
By definition, every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. In a love story, I suppose that “falling in love” happens in the beginning, while “growing in love” has to do with the middle, while the end is this hopeful, optimistic future, full of wonderful possibility. No one part makes any sense without the two others, but together they must give a comforting sense of direction, of destiny.
So maybe there is something to the idea of “falling in love.” I don’t think for one second that the initial “falling in love” is the most important part of any functional romance, but I’ll grant that it has its place in the story.
Nice way of putting that, particularly the last 2 paragraphs.
I don’t believe in falling in love either. But after many years of loving the same person I can’t imagine being with anyone else. In retrospect falling in love makes sense. I do still believe that I could have been happy with someone else, perhaps many others but, that just helped me to be so happy that that day in the botanical gardens we both at the same time knew we were in love.
The key to lasting relationships is commitment: come what may, stay the course kind of commitment. I like your observation that people, some more than others probably, need a story, as much as anything, to tell themselves–and friends/family–in the good times and not so good. What is commitment born of?
The ‘flash in the pan’ as you call it isn’t so bad. It’s made out to be more than it should be in romance stories and general media quite often, I’ll grant…
But I’m going to disagree here. ‘Falling in love’ happens to ‘everyone’ in my opinion– some people don’t notice that it’s happening, some people are much less flamboyant about it, and some people take a long time to do it, but I disagree that you can’t love someone soon after knowing them.
You seem to be inviting discussion of what love is, and how we become ‘in love’… and to that I’ll have to say that it involves letting down walls, and trusting. Granted– it won’t last if it isn’t nurtured, and if it doesn’t ‘mature’ to some degree or another, but, yeah. I think that’s about all of it.
I will certainly grant that love that’s been growing for 7 years is different than love that’s been growing for 7 months. 🙂
Good thoughts though, Joe. Are you hinting at something? *wink wink*
Odd, I thought I left my comment here before, but I guess I didn’t actually post it.
Do I believe in love at first sight? Not really. Do I believe in falling in love? Oh YES!
I started dating Daniel to get to know him as a friend since we had similar interests. A couple months into the relationship, I realized that I was developing feelings for him, which I still think of as “falling in love.” You may think of it as “growing” since it came gradually, but I think of it as “falling” because I really couldn’t stop it.
And every time he does something sweet and romantic, I think to myself how lucky I am to be married to him, and I fall in love all over again. That means the feelings of love and appreciation come over me in a sudden rush, which “growing” just can’t describe.