Thoughts and Reflections – Page 47 – One Thousand And One Parsecs

1,500+ words in two days and some thoughts on practical issues

These last couple of days, I’ve been writing in the morning/midday, and it’s been a lot more productive than waiting to do it as the last thing. I think that if I could get into a routine of doing it early in the morning, maybe before classes, it could be really good. The way I have my schedule next semester, that’s probably what I’ll end up doing. And, if I end up writing on the side of a regular job, that’s probably what I’ll end up doing after college as well–getting my fiction writing in each day before I go to work. I’ve heard that it works very well for some people.

The story is definitely progressing nicely. However, I think I may start turning to some short stories in the near future. There are a couple of reasons.

First of all (and some of you, I know, will laugh at this), I’m a little bit worried about getting too far into this novel before the beginning of winter semester. You see, for English 318 in the winter, we’re going to all start writing novels, but I’m hoping to get away with working on the one I’ve already got going. That becomes kind of hard, though, when I’m already 45,000+ words into mine, and everyone else is at the beginning. And I want to at least finish the rough draft of this one before I start another. So, either I go too far and have to start something new for the class, or…well, I just put it on the back burner for a while. Maybe I’m just stressing about it too much–after all, Sanderson seems like a pretty cool guy–but I dunno. Laugh if you want–it’s what I’m good for. 🙂

Second, I want to get a couple of short stories published in the not too distant future, and if I want to do that, I’d better write a few more. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, I want to prove that I can do it, both to myself and to my parents. It would be really awesome to sell something and see it in print / hear it in a podcast. It would help me feel a little bit more self-validated and encouraged to write more seriously–to feel like I can actually get the ball rolling on this writing dream that I have. And second, it would help validate what I’m doing to my parents. Rightly or not, they feel that I’m stretching myself thin, and want me to focus on the things that I’m passionate about and see if I can make a practical living off of it. I’m passionate about writing, but I don’t plan on doing that as a primary vocation, and I haven’t gotten published yet (although I have made some money off of it–$200 last year with the Mayhew contest!). If I can sell a few short stories, hopefully it will prove that I can actually do something legitimate with this writing thing that I have going.

Now, talking about this reminds me of what I’m reading in this book of L’Engle quotations, about how one of the ways the world marginalizes the truths found in fiction is by saying that writing isn’t a “real job.” And I don’t feel like my parents are doing that. It’s just…financial independence and providing for a family is also very important. I don’t think that they’re telling me not to be a writer–just to evaluate how important are the things I’m doing, and cut out the things that aren’t important.

But the thing is, writing is very important to me. It always has been. I was wondering the other day if I could ever get to a point in my life where I stop writing fiction altogether. And I have to say that I don’t think that that’s possible. When I came back from my mission, I found myself with a completely empty schedule–a life without anything to really keep me busy. And it took me only a week or two to jump into creative writing again–and in 8 months I had a 69,000 word novel. And after the winter semester, when I again found myself with a mostly open schedule, a number of ideas came together to compel me to write the short story The Clearest Vision. Then, while I was in school again, I wasn’t doing too much writing at all, but this idea came to me so strongly that I felt overwhelmingly compelled to write it down. And so I gave birth to another story (ok, the giving birth analogy is kind of weird, but it’s kind of…true…).

What I’m finding nowadays is that ideas are constantly developing in my head, sometimes quickly, most of the time very slowly, always on a subconscious level if not on a conscious level, and that when a number of them get to a critical point, I feel overwhelmingly compelled to write. Before that happens, I can go about my life doing whatever, not even thinking about writing the story, but when it gets to that point, it just has to come out. It’s just the way my mind works. And for that reason alone, I don’t think that I could ever become an un-writer.

The key is to embrace this condition that sets me apart and use it–not only to serve myself, but, according to L’Engle, to “serve the work” as well. Because some of these ideas could probably help to bring people to truths that they didn’t have before, and to see and experience life-changing things. So I want to embrace this, and get good at it. I don’t want to write just to sell something, or to entertain, but to tell stories as good as the ones that have profoundly impacted me and my life. I hope I can do it.

So, that’s what the vision is. And the way to do it is to stop waiting until the idea absolutely must come out, and to try and work with it while it’s developing. Writing is hard work, not just flashes of inspiration and word sprints that turn into golden stories. If I’m going to make this writing thing work, I’ve got to learn how to write regularly, submit my work and get it published, and work with my ideas before they get to that really pregnant stage. And so I’m probably going to work on a couple of short stories in the near future.

This post is getting pretty long, so I’d better wrap it up, but the next post will have some of the short story ideas I’d like to work with. And also, when I get a chance, I’d like to write some reviews of some of the books I read recently, like Mistborn, Princess of Mars, and 2001: A Space Odyssey (a piece of really hard sci fi, but a d*** good book!)

not too much

Tonight, it was late, and believe it or not I actually do value my sleep (not as much as other things, but I do value it nonetheless), so I didn’t write anything original today. Instead, I went back about ten or fifteen pages back and did some light revision while reminding myself what’s going on so far.

It was actually quite good! Helped to renew some excitement for me in the story, which was nice. Good motivation for writing tomorrow. And, day after tomorrow, there is a writing party over at Jakeson’s and Gamila’s (who actually live on the same block as me, I found)! I am definitely looking forward to getting WAY ahead during that night!

Man, I suppose I’m either a wimp or just really busy with other things to only be doing 500 pages a day, and some days less than that! I hope I can learn to balance writing with my career (not to mention career and writing with family!). As it is, I can’t hardly balance anything. Not the important things, anyways. Temple, scriptures, friends, homework, tests, papers, readings, reading for recreation, vs. all the stupid things that can waste one’s time…shoot man! It’s a hard, difficult battle!

And I really hope that writing is more than just a “good thing” on that list. I really do. If it’s just a “good thing,” then it means that I should cut it out of my life, because there are already so many “good things” that I could be doing that I don’t have time to do them all! It would be a matter of cutting them to allow time for the “great things” and the “best things.”

But then again, I think it’s quite likely that writing fiction IS something more than a “good thing.” I’m reading this collection of quotes from Madeline L’Engle, the fantastic writer of children’s literature who wrote A Wrinkle In Time, the book that (believe it or not) hooked me onto Science Fiction and becoming a writer. In this book, L’Engle talks about writing as something holy and sacred, about serving the story, and about how art and creative writing is a profoundly important and spiritual thing. It’s quite interesting, because it’s very different from my current view of writing (which is basically “I want to write because it’s cool and there’s something compelling me to do it that I don’t understand”). Very thought provoking, actually. I really want to understand where she’s coming from and see it for myself. It could really change the way that I approach all of this, in a very positive way. I’ll have to blog about it once I’ve read the book.

And you know, this might be me going out on a limb, but if writing really is a way that I could profoundly shape the world for good (or the life of an individual, which really is the same thing ultimately) then it would make sense that Satan would want to put doubts into my mind about my writing and my stories and the possibility of getting published and all of those other problems. If it has the potential to be that good on a spiritual level, then it makes sense that there would be so much opposition. In which case the answer, of course, really is faith–stepping out into the unknown, trusting in something greater than yourself to show you the way and lend power to your writing that you yourself could not have put into it. I believe quite firmly that all of this is possible–I just need to make the leap. I’m still trying to control my own writing too much, and not focusing on the ultimate potential that lies beyond my limitations. If it is true that there is a place for spiritual significance in writing, then I need to make space for God and enter with Him in a partnership to do this.

I honestly don’t know. Until I sat down to write this, I didn’t know that I had these doubts–indeed, maybe they didn’t enter into me until I started to write this. And I honestly don’t know what I’m saying or where I’m going with all this spiritual stuff. It’s something I still need to think about. But it really does seem like it’s something worth pondering and contemplating. I feel that it has the power to profoundly and fundamentally change my approach to creative writing in general. For that reason alone, it is worth focusing a fair measure of my attention. I will definitely be doing this, because I have a lot of questions.

A Rebuke from the Past

I’ve been reading through a lot of my old journals recently (and by old, I’m talking 1994-ish, back when I was in 3rd and 4th grade), and I’ve been learning a couple of surprising things! For one, I’ve learned that my writing style back then is about as grammatically correct as my blogging style on this blog (yeah, I’m pretty laid back when it comes to blogging). Another thing I’ve learned is that I use about as many YEAH!!!‘s and AWESOME!!!‘s now as I did then–possibly more, actually.

But the coolest stuff I’ve been learning has to do with my childhood ambition to become a fiction writer–an ambition that has probably been one of the few things about me that hasn’t changed much in the past fifteen years. By far, I wrote more on all the stories I was coming up with and how much I wanted to be a writer than anything else. And as I was reading them yesterday, I came across something that really shocked me. Here it is:

When I grow up I will be an author. And that is not just a dream that might happen. It WILL happen!!! And I might be an engineer, arcitect, paleontologist, or ~~mabye mabey mabye~~ maybe, just maybe, a movie maker. And when I retire, I might be a, a…I don’t know.

Wow. And just at a time when I’ve been wondering “is this something that I can REALLY do professionally/semi-professionally? Can I REALLY get published?” I think it’s pretty clear what my 4th grade self would say!

All of a sudden I had an image of my 10 year old self chasing me around with a whip. Don’t worry; if it takes you a moment to get back off of the floor from ROFLing, I don’t mind.

Also, yesterday, as I was in priesthood, my mind wandered and I started to ask myself these questions. The priesthood lesson was on marriage and all the usual things that go along with it–namely, how to provide for a family–and I started to wonder what it would be like if I made a portion of my income as a fiction writer. After all, that’s kind of what professional/semi-professional writers do.

And…it’s weird. For a second, I had this image of myself actually doing it. It wasn’t so much of an image, actually, as it was concept. Just…writing books and getting published. And doing that part time for work. It’s hard to describe how it made me feel, but it actually surprised me. It was…slightly scary, but exciting at the same time. The big thing, really, was how different it was from the current paradigm I have, where I see myself working as…I don’t know. To be honest, this was actually how my thought process went:

You know, for some people, family is all they care about. Like that guy I knew who worked receiving at the MTC. Work was just a job that he did when he wasn’t doing what he really wanted to do, which was to be with his family. There’s something stifling in that, but…not as stifling as I thought. I wonder if I could do something like that? Like, instead of choosing a vocation out of a passionate, all-consuming desire to do work in that vocation, focus instead on my family and have the vocation just be a means to an end. Hmmm, if I did that, I might actually have the time in my life to write. I might actually be able to be a semi-professional writer! Hey!

It didn’t last for very long, and I don’t think it was predicated by any divine revelation or anything, but it was a thought that really challenged my paradigm. Could I REALLY do this? Could I REALLY write fiction and get published professionally?

My friends seem to think that the answer is yes. Aneeka was telling me the other day that even if we get discouraged and give up now, we’ve got such a long life ahead of us that eventually, in one way or another, that writing bug is going to come back and bite us. She also said that the really stubborn writers tend to be less fragile than the other kinds–that we’ve got thicker skins, and that crushing disappointments don’t…crush us as much. I can see that.

If that’s all the case, then I think the only thing that can really stop us is 1) self-doubt, and 2) an inability to finish what you start. Apathy isn’t a threat, because the desire to write just isn’t going to leave us alone. I know it won’t leave me alone. If it’s been bugging me for the greater part of my lifetime, it’s not going to stop! And defeat isn’t going to be so bad, either, because the stubbornness will just kick in and keep us doing it–no matter how illogical or stupid it is. But self-doubt and fear could cripple me, if it got too bad. If I don’t really believe that I can get published, or that I can find success in this, then I’m going to lose a lot of motivation. And the inability to finish what you start is a HUGE thing. It’s what I’m currently wrestling with, with writing this novel. I have NEVER finished a novel–not even a rough draft! But if WHEN I do this, it will be a tremendous personal victory! And a sign that I won’t be stopped from my life-long desire to become a writer!

Thoughts on Dave Wolverton and the AML Convention

I apologize for the long post. I had a great time at the AML conference (what little time I was able to spend there!) and here are my thoughts on Dave Wolverton’s speech.

AML (Association for Mormon Letters) is this association for Mormon literary people (they have a blog here), and I don’t know a whole lot about it, except that a few of my English teachers were members of it. They have a short story contest each year, and I submitted The Clearest Vision this year (and lost, unfortunately). I somehow signed up for their email list, so I got this email from them a few weeks ago announcing the AML Writers’ Convention at SLCC today–with Dave Wolverton as the keynote speaker! I was pretty stoked! Dave Wolverton is a big name in Sci Fi / Fantasy (and he’s Mormon, too, just like Orson Scott Card and Tracy Hickman).

I went up with my friend Steve this morning and we had a really good time! Dave Wolverton’s speech was really good and thought provoking! He told a lot of personal stories, and some of them were really spiritual. Also, when you see him speak, you realize that he’s just a regular guy, which is actually pretty cool.

He started out by speaking about how writers tend to be some of the most timid and self-conscious people around. He told several stories to show how he was like this when he first started writing. He was petrified that people would actually read the stuff he wrote, but then he had such a strong desire to write that he bought an $80 typewriter as a kid and hid it from his parents for a year while he churned out stories!

And it’s really true–writers are some of the most self-conscious, timid people around. Sometimes I think that there’s something wrong with me, because I actually like to share my stories with people, rather than keep them private! I really get a sense of this self-consciousness when I give criticism in the writing group–when the writer of the story gives me this look like a scared, cornered animal as I get ready to lay on the criticism, I get really worried that I’m going to do more harm that good. But timidity really is the rule among aspiring writers.

Dave compared this fear with the fear of public speaking. He said that the two are very similar, and that getting over the fear has almost nothing to do with writing itself. Like how you get over your fear of public speaking by practicing it, you can alleviate self consciousness as you share your writing with others. He said that creative writing classes are really good for this, and I also got the impression that writing groups (like ours!) can really help out a lot as well! Yay for the Quark writing group! He also said that success is really helpful for getting over this self-consciousness. Over time, as your writing is well received by many people, you “grow a thick skin” to criticism.

He spoke a lot about his mission, and how that really helped him to get over both his fear of public speaking and his fear of sharing his writing with others. I can definitely understand what he was talking about. Before my mission, back when I first attempted to write a novel, I was so self conscious of my writing that I’d read what I’d written and just cry–I really didn’t want anyone to see it at all. Now…well, it’s different. MUCH different. I WANT to share my writing with others. I really don’t get upset with criticism, and sometimes I have a hard time being sensitive towards other people who do.

He then said some really interesting things about writing about what you believe in. He told a story about how he was almost killed while working in a prison because he let a few black prisoners work with him in the kitchen. He said it was a real turning point to him when he realized that he believed in equal rights so much that he was willing to stand up to these Aryan Brotherhood thugs and risk his life to let them know that he wasn’t going to back down on the issue. He encouraged everyone to write with that kind of a belief in something. It’s not that you approach a story dogmatically, or say “this is the lesson I want my readers to learn,” it’s that you write about a subject that you really believe in strongly. If you’re doing this, then it will be impossible not to write something meaningful.

He then spent some time talking about how it can be really difficult finding a way to share the strong beliefs that come from your spirituality as a Latter-day Saint with a non-Mormon audience. You can’t be explicit about it, because a lot of people really don’t want to hear it. But you can’t just cut it out, either, because it’s what you really believe. So how do you reconcile that? He suggested writing on ethical issues or putting forward ethical characters, or finding small ways to express those strong beliefs, but he really wasn’t conclusive on it at all. I think that ultimately that’s something that all of us are going to have to find out on our own–what works for us individually.

He then ended with some of the most interesting thoughts in the whole speech. He went back to the fear and timidity that so many writers have, and suggested that the best way to overcome that is to displace your fear with hope. He said that nothing destroys your writing like fear–that as long as you’re afraid, it will be difficult to write. Successful writers are boundlessly hopeful–look for a hidden reservoir of hope. Think to yourself–what if you got published? What if you found success and things worked out? We need to get to the point where we really don’t care about the fear, we’re so hopeful.

That really struck me! It got me thinking about the writing group–how can I help my fellow budding and aspiring writers really have hope that they can succeed? How can I give criticism in such a way that they really feel they can make their writing better–and find success because of it? Honestly, I feel something of a sense of duty as the writing vp to help out the other guys in the club as much as I can. I really want us all to have the hope that we can get published and succeed someday! We really need to have this sense of hope in the writing group.

And this brings me to my last few thoughts–do I have this kind of hope myself? When I sit down and write, what do I hope will ultimately become of it? Do I actually believe that I CAN get published? That what I’m writing can get published?

The first nine months after my mission, I attempted to write a novel and got 69,000 words into it before putting it on the shelf. 69,000 words. Why did I do that? I think I believed it could be published. That was always a distant hope. Do I believe it now? I don’t know. Do I believe that The Lost Colony could get accepted? I honestly don’t know. But if I don’t have it now, I need to foster it now, as much as I can!

A couple of months ago, I doubted whether or not I could actually finish an original novel at this point in my life. Now, I am determined and incredibly hopeful to have the rough draft finished by the end of Winter 2006! I look back now, and I’m surprised that things have changed so much! Right now, I feel doubtful as to whether or not any publishers will accept this beast. Hopefully, in the future, this doubt will change to hope just as much as the last one did!

Man! I love it when stories do this!

Man, I was reading Mistborn tonight, and it was freaking amazing! I’m about 500 pages in, right up close to the end, at the part where the house war finally begins. And MAN!!!! That chapter was so awesome! The fight that Vin gets into…(dangit, can’t give away spoilers!), it just felt so GOOD! Just how Vin finally says to herself that she loves him, that was just AWESOME! (I assure you, my creative writing is of a much better quality than the language I use to express myself on this blog) And right as soon as that happened, I couldn’t put it down! I mean, I was going to go to bed before 1am, but here I am, 2am, and it took me a lot of effort just to pull myself away from that book!

This, I think, is one thing that really makes for good sci fi and fantasy–how you are really drawn into the story and it becomes something really close to you, to the point where you can’t stop reading it, you’re so into it! I guess not every story has to be that way to be good–I read The Left Hand of Darkness recently, and it was good, but I never got sucked into it like I’m getting sucked into Mistborn now. But man, all of the REALLY good books seem to do this to me–The Neverending Story, Ender’s Game, Second Foundation, The Chronicles of Prydain, A Wrinkle in Time, and now Mistborn.

But you know, as an aspiring writer, it can actually be pretty intimidating too. I mean, there is something really powerful about these books which sets them apart from the others. How can you expect to create that yourself when you’re just a beginner? Wouldn’t it be a little pretentious to think that you’re that good? How do you get to be that good?

When I came back from my mission, I got the writing bug again almost a week after I was released. I guess something had really been pent up for those two years, because over the course of the next 8 months, I wrote 69,000 words in that novel alone (not to mention that I started–and, about 4 months later, finished–two short stories). But after I got 69,000 words into this novel, I realized that some of the premises were flawed, things weren’t working out, and that most of those 69,000 words were as boring as heck. If I cut all the fat out, I would probably be reduced to about 30,000 words or less. There were no hard feelings, no shattered hopes and dreams, no crushed self esteem–I figured that it could still work, it would just need a major overhaul, and that it was better to leave it for a little while and come back. It’s been about 15 months now, and I’m not sure when or if I’m coming back, but there are no hard feelings about it.

It’s just…that story didn’t have the same magic to it that these really great sci fi / fantasy books have. Maybe I just needed the practice to do better on the next one. I don’t know. But man, I would really like the novel I’m writing now to have this kind of power to it! This kind of overwhelming significance!

I figure that if I really want to do that, I need to spend more time with my characters–figure out who they are, what is driving them, what their struggles are, what their desires are, and how they grow over the course of this novel. I think I’m more idea driven and story driven than character driven–which isn’t bad, Asimov was much more idea driven than character driven–but I want the characters in this story to be personal and compelling, like they are in Mistborn and the others.

So, I’ll probably spend some time blogging on these characters, throwing out what ideas I have for them so far, and where those ideas came from. Hopefully, by doing that, I’ll be able to think more about them and know what I want to show of them as I continue writing. And I’m open to suggestions, if you guys want to share them.

PS: man, I think my blogging word count exceeded my creative writing word count today! I need to repent of THAT!

Thank God for Political Science!

Man, I am SO happy that I’m a Political Science major! I can’t say it enough! I will NEVER have to worry about looking back and saying “man, why didn’t I major in Political Science?” That right there is a mightily compelling reason! But there are a lot more reasons as well! A LOT. For one, the stuff that I’m studying here for Political Science is REALLY giving me a lot of good ideas for writing fiction! Man, the Middle East is such a complicated area of the world, with so many conflicts and such diverse cultures, religions, and ethnicities…there is no shortage of questions to ask and stuff to explore! And Science Fiction (and fiction in general) is one very valid and interesting way to explore it! I mean, take any aspect of the Middle East, and say “what if we do this to it?” Put it in a sci fi setting, and you’ve got the potential for an amazing story! Or take the problems that we’re struggling with in the region, isolate them, and write a fictional world where the characters struggle with those same problems. Add in some imaginative stuff, some awesome technology, compelling, well-written characters, and all that, and you’ve got something EXTREMELY relevant to the real world! Even more so because it’s fiction, because if it’s written well, you’ve put it in a setting where people can look at the problem without being so burdened by their silly and irrational prejudices! But besides that, just from studying something like Political Science, I’ve tapped into an AMAZING source of ideas and inspiration for my own writing! Even if I just wanted to write fiction for the sake of writing fiction (and honestly, I really think that almost any other approach is going to backfire–ESPECIALLY the dogmatic approach), by studying Political Science, I’ve opened a fountain of ideas in embryo that are just screaming to be born! MAN! I am SO happy that God put me in a place where I could study Political Science!!!

There was an amazing lecture today at the BYU Kennedy Center. Reza Aslan, author of No God But God, gave an excellent lecture on Iran and US-Iranian relations. Just in case you don’t know, relations between us and them are…well, let’s just say that they’re pretty freaking bad.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE pray that we don’t start bombing them! Just when you thought the US couldn’t shoot itself in the foot any more (because the freaking Neocons have been doing a @#$@! good job of that since Sept 11th–either they’re EXTREMELY stupid, or, for all intents and purposes, they are traitors to this incredibly wonderful country we call the USA), Dick Cheney and his neocon goonies start sounding the war drums. Right now, just about every missile in the Middle East (and we have troops in EVERY COUNTRY bordering Iran) is pointed at some target inside the sovereign Islamic Republic of Iran. Not good…definitely not good!

But I learned a little bit today WHY it’s not good…and the reason was very surprising! If we launch airstrikes against Iran (and we almost certainly won’t do a ground invasion–not because the Neocons aren’t stupid enough to make that blunder, but because our military simply doesn’t have the capability to do it!), it will play right into the hands of the extremists and tyrannous clerics who rule (under, may I add, upwards of a 90% popular disapproval rating)! In fact, according to Mr. Aslan, EVERYTHING we have done in that region FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS HAS PLAYED INTO THE HANDS OF OUR ENEMIES!!! It’s been an unrelenting disaster! Reza Aslan made a very compelling argument that if we were to end sanctions, recant regime change as the stated policy of the United States, and do everything to open up that country to the rest of the world (“we should be prying it open with a crowbar,” he said), the horrible, cruel, autocratic clerics wouldn’t have a leg to stand on! It would be like China–you look at it now, and it is DEFINITELY not a communist country! I mean, in name it is, and it’s not yet a democracy, but it’s a far cry from what we saw under Chairman Mao–that spawn of Satan himself!

And the big difference is that Iran ALREADY HAS almost everything a liberal democracy needs! It has a thriving civil society, with all kinds of NGO’s, Foundations, Institutions, etc, it has a rising middle class, it has a constitution with legislative, judicial, and executive branches, it has regular elections…it’s just that all that power rests with a handful of tyrannical clerics! And the only way that tyrants stay in power (according to Mr. Aslan) is by isolating their people! Man, if we would just OPEN UP to that country–I mean, if they weren’t so scared of us, it would be a LOT harder for Ahmedinejad and his cronies to get people to support the Iranian nuclear program! I mean, the average Iranian cares a lot more about the economy than their nation’s foreign policy! That’s the only reason they elected Ahmedinejad in the first place–and the reason why he’s so unpopular back home right now! Everything we’ve been doing in the history of our dealings with the Islamic Republic of Iran has either helped our enemies or hurt our own interests, and it’s HIGH TIME we had some change!

</political rant>

Ok, I’d better calm down (note to self–breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out). But MAN! You see why I’m so happy that I’m a Poli Sci major! And the cool thing is that this stuff really has some potential for some good stories! I mean, just about every time I learn something new about the Middle East, I think to myself “Oooh, that would be really awesome to put into the story I’m writing!” It’s gotten to the point where there’s just too much stuff to cram into one novel! Fortunately, I can write others. But man!

I mean, I felt like my eyes were totally opened today! Up until this point, I’ve seen Iran as this scary, totalitarian nation led by a crazy, maniacal leader, bent on the destruction of all that is good and holy in the world. Even when I’m rational enough to realize that that’s probably not all true, the idea has been lurking in the back of my paradigm. But this lecture painted the picture of a completely different country! A civilized, rational, highly cultural, and essentially peaceful people who are working, despite the interference of the United States, to free themselves from the rule of a few bad men! Man, this lecture made me want to study Farsi and travel to Iran, for heaven’s sakes! I might just do it! I just might!

At the very least, I’m going to read this guy’s book and subscribe to just about every raw news RSS feed that I can (AP, NPR, Reuters, Al-Jazeera, Agence-France, etc–basically, the ones that Drudge links to) so that I can have a heads up on what’s REALLY going on in this wonderful world! I mean, I just learned from Mr. Aslan that representatives from EVERY MUSLIM SECT got together a few months ago to sign a document calling on the Christian world to help improve relations and fight extremist fundamentalism in both religions! I mean, imagine the press we’d be hearing if all of the Christians sects did something like that! It’s unprecedented! I don’t even think it would even happen! And yet…where was that in the mainstream media? Buried somewhere. Time to start digging it up.

Man, I am SO GLAD that I’m a Political Science major!!!

I thought this was supposed to be fun…

Well, it is. At least, the net effect is fun. But the day to day writing can be kind of…difficult.

I’ve made some progress in the last few days, even though I neglected to write about it here. Mostly, it’s just been between classes or insanely late at night, so I haven’t had time to write any blog entries. But I’ll write a quick one tonight.

In the last section that I wrote, I introduced this new character who believes that Ian is some kind of a holy figure and decides to become his disciple. The feedback I got from the writing group was that the way I introduced Master Elijah from his own POV was very good, so I decided to do basically the same thing. That is, from a limited 3rd person point of view, give a very brief summary of the character and any aspects of his life story that tie directly into what is actually going on in the action. The result is a short synopsis of the character’s life that transitions nicely into the action in the particular section, without feeling too info-dumpish.

I tried to do the same thing here, and threw in a couple of ideas about cleavages and tribal friction that we’ve been learning in my Political Systems of the Middle East class. I want to take a lot of the ideas of stuff that we’re learning in that class and apply it to this fictional society. I don’t want the culture to exactly parallel Arab culture, but to take enough aspects from it that it gets the same flavor. Besides, it’s kind of a fun testing ground for experimenting with the ideas that we’re learning in class. And it’s an excellent class, btw. I’d highly recommend it, if you’re interested at all in the modern Middle East. PLSC 357 with Dr. Bowen.

However, I was very disappointed with how this section turned out. I wrote it in about three chunks over three days, but each time that I sat down to write, I was doing it more to reach the 500 words a day goal than because I felt inspired to do it. Basically, I sat down and forced myself to write. And…it wasn’t as fun as it usually is. The words didn’t flow. I was falling asleep at the computer in the LRC. Things didn’t seem to be meshing together properly. It was WAY too info-dumpish, and I had to make up a lot of the information there on the spot, which made it even more difficult because I had to force myself to start coming up with new ideas. It hurt a bit, but I came up with a few good ones. Hopefully I can develop them more and better a little bit later.

Now, I suppose that you can’t just expect writing to be fun all of the time. It does take work, which can in some ways be unpleasant. And it’s not practical to just wait to feel inspired all of the time. At the same time, you really do have to enjoy what you do, and you can’t force inspiration. Ideas will come and hit you at times when you aren’t expecting them, and you have to be ready to take them and fit them into a framework, otherwise they just slip through your fingers.

So, I suppose that good writing is some kind of a balance between hard work and pure inspiration. And the direction my story is taking me at this time is hard work.

And I’m willing to go that way–so long as it makes sense to do that. Tonight, for example, it’s freaking late and I need to get some sleep, so I probably won’t write in my novel tonight. It just doesn’t make much sense to me to trudge through the required wordcount and come up with some barely cohesive prose and crappy story elements. It makes much more sense to me to work myself up to being excited about the next part, and then writing 1,000 words of good prose and good story tomorrow.

Of course, the balance to this is that if I keep putting off writing, the ideas that I have will die. So, I really can’t just do this all the time. Sometimes, you’ve just got to trudge through it. But…I don’t know. I just hope I can keep this story going strong until it finishes.

(btw, this dilemma is why I chose as a teenager that I would not become a professional writer. I knew enough to know that if writing became my main source of income, I wouldn’t enjoy it anymore. At the same time…I can’t just expect to reap the fruits when I didn’t nourish the seeds. So…I don’t know.)

AUGH!!!!!!!!!

Shoot! Today was a crazy day! I feel almost like it was a waste! The last couple of days, I was thinking about how great it would be once the weekend comes, how I’d have tons of free time to write in my novel, and how many thousands of words I would write, how awesome it would be. But now, it’s the end of the day, and I haven’t even written anything at all!

It’s weird. I think that it’s a tendency that we all have–procrastination. Some people have it worse than others. I’m extremely horrible at it. I read on a photoblog I read that we spend about five years in our lifetimes just waiting for buses, subways, cars, doctors appointments, etc. If you could add up all the time I’ve spent in procrastination, it would probably add up to five already! The weird thing is…this is something I actually enjoy doing. Why procrastinate THAT??

It reminds me of a priesthood lesson we had once in church last semester. This guest speaker came to speak with us on the difficult subjects, like chastity, pornography, etc. He started out by discussing a conversation he had with a neurologist once, about how we are hardwired, through our brain, to try and get a maximum output with a minimum input. Basically, the idea is that we are naturally disinclined to do the productive, creative things that require effort, and naturally inclined to waste time on mindless activities that give us basic, low-level pleasure. It might be a LOT more satisfying to do something creative, but that requires so much effort to do that we have a natural impulse to avoid doing it–and to waste time instead on video games, tv, staring at the wall, and other stupid stuff.

The other weird thing is that even though I did almost all of my homework yesterday, I spent the whole day today stressed out about that tiny little bit that I hadn’t yet done. It was very, very weird. I did about three or four hours of homework yesterday, and had only about an hour (half an hour of focused effort, but I never focus) left. I KNEW that I had a significantly lesser load of homework, and yet, despite that fact, I still felt weighed down in the back of my mind! All day! AUGH!!!

So, I guess I’ve learned two things from this experience: the urge to procrastinate is not confined to unpleasant tasks, and that no matter how much or how little work you put off, it will still weigh on the back of your mind.

Freak!

Well, there is some good news though. I have NO homework that I need to do tomorrow! (except blog in Arabic, but that’s fun and isn’t strictly necessary for my Arabic homework anyways) I am FREE! What’s more, the day is almost totally open! At least, as far as Sundays are open (and believe it or not, Sundays are actually fairly busy for us students). What’s more, it’s not all that late right now! I’m going to go to bed before 2:00, which means that I’ll be able to wake up in the morning and actually be awake! I’ll actually get sufficient sleep! So, tomorrow is looking good. Even though I didn’t write today, I will spend lots of time writing tomorrow, inshallah.

I feel an emotional roller coaster about to begin…

You know, I used to get really freaking emotional about my writing. I’d post these notes up all over my room, some of them philosophical, others just giving myself general encouragement, and I’d read, revise, analyze, reanalyze, tear apart, and thrash my own writing. And then I’d get so emotionally wrapped up in it that when I got to about 120 pages I’d decide that the whole thing was crap, take down all the notes, put away the story, and just leave it all behind me. Totally cut it out of my life. And then I’d be depressed for a long time–until I could finally work up the courage to take out the wretched manuscript and look at it again.

Well, those were the old days. That’s what I USED to do. I’m much too grown up and enlightened to revert back to that. After all, it was just teenage angst. I’m past it. I’m capable of looking at my writing rationally and keeping its quality detached from my own view of myself. I can be brave, self-confident, and not get hung up on the little things. I can look at the problems with my writing and fix them without getting upset or depressed. I can take criticism and it won’t be all that painful.

Well, these were the things that I USED to believe. But now, I’m starting to realize that it’s probably all crap.

I’m approaching 120 pages again. My story is at 25,000+ words and I’m definitely committed to it now. More committed, perhaps, than I’ve been to a story since returning from my mission (at least, more committed to a novel-length story since I’ve already finished two short stories). And now that I’m committed, and right in the middle of the story itself, I’m starting to feel the unpredictable emotions coming on.

It’s like I’m on a roller coaster as it slowly gets pulled to the top of that very first drop–the machine is going <click> <clack> and I’m about 200 or 300 feet up in the air. The first drop off is maybe 30 feet away and I’m already starting to feel sick.

I think this realization came today during the writing meeting. It was a very good writing meeting, and I got some good and much needed feedback on my story. But I really started to feel kind of anxious as I heard people analyzing my story. I’ve felt that a little bit before, but I’ve always been able to put it aside. This time, it felt a lot stronger, and came when I wasn’t expecting it–even when people were giving my praise.

Last Winter, when Aneeka was still around, I remember the expression she would have on her face as I would give her feedback and criticism on her writing. She’d get really tense and almost a little bit scared, like an animal backed up into a corner or like a prisoner watching the torturer approach carrying some kind of unpleasant looking tool in his hand. It seemed very strange to me at the time, but I think I started to feel like that today.

And also, I think that it’s getting easier and easier to doubt my story. I’m past the honeymoon stage, where the story has just begun, I’ve got all these great ideas in my head and everything is in front of me. Now, I’ve covered some sizeable distance, and I can look back and say “oh, I need this character to be more like this,” or “I really did a poor job of this and it’s going to affect what I want to write in this upcoming scene.”

At the same time, I’m approaching the point where all these crucial questions and concepts about the world I’m writing need to have concrete answers. When I started, I could just generalize and say “well, the universe of my story is kind of like this,” or “this culture has a certain religion, and it’s kind of like this, but I’m sure I’ll work out the details when I get to that point.” Well, I’m at that point now, and I haven’t finished working out the concept. And because I don’t have the answers that I need in the concrete and specific form that I need them, it’s very easy to doubt the story and say “is this idea really any good anyways?”

So, things are starting to get a little bit tough emotionally. I can only expect it to get worse as I go along. If it happens even to the pros, so how can I expect to get away unscathed?

But there is some hope. Plenty of it, in fact. Right after the writing meeting today, I decided to go through and quickly make all the revisions that I felt the story needed (and there were plenty of them, including the embarrassing fact that Jorgen praised me for how villainous I made out this one character to be, when in fact that character was supposed to be one of the good guys!). As I thought about the revisions that I needed to make, I got really worried about them. My story, I felt, was pretty bad, and needed some major work. Well, as soon as I put in my flash drive and pulled up the story, those thoughts of “my story isn’t very good, it needs a lot of work” went away, and I just focused on what was in front of me. I saw a problem, fixed it, worked in some new stuff that made that area a little bit better, then moved on to the next thing. In a couple of hours, I had made all the revisions that had been suggested and really felt satisfied with the changes. I was excited to move on and keep writing. It was great!

So, I guess that once you REALLY commit to a story, you start to experience some pretty intense emotions. But not all of them are going to be bad. My experience so far has been that the more distanced I am from my story, the worse I think that it is, whereas the more I sit down and work on it, the more satisfaction I get. That may change in the future, but for now, it’s enough to keep me going.

Some thoughts on writing, reading, and stories

I’ve had some interesting thoughts recently about stories. It’s come mostly from interacting with the writing group and with friends from the writing group. As I’m getting more and more into writing fiction, my thoughts about fiction, stories, and science fiction get more and more complex and interesting. This post is going to be a little bit abstract, but I think it will be a bit shorter than usual. And probably a bit more interesting.

There was this thread on the Quark board going on in the last couple of weeks about giving and taking criticism, and one of the points was that, as a writer, you really shouldn’t defend your own work. You shouldn’t argue with the readers.

I’ve heard this same argument before, but on slightly different terms. Those terms were “you should let your work stand on its own, without you trying to defend it.” I think that’s good rationale, but I would go a step further: I would say that you shouldn’t argue with readers because criticism is never objectively true or false. Criticism is a reaction from the reader’s experience, and no matter how much you argue with the reader, you can’t change the fact that that was the experience that he (or she) had with your story. The reaction isn’t objectively true or false; it simply “is.” And therefore, if you start arguing and saying “that’s not true about my story!” then really you’re just wasting your breath. Criticism may be helpful or unhelpful, but it isn’t going to be true or false–at least, not in some objective way independent of the reading experience.

So then, I was reading Aneeka’s personal writing blog (notice, Aneeka, how I preserve your privacy by not linking to you, even though it’s a really good blog), and I read this really depressing post about how bad her novel is (even though it’s not that bad) and about how she’s doubting that she can ever be a writer, etc. I wanted to say something, so I left this really long comment. And I wasn’t planning on saying anything in particular, but as I was writing, this really interesting idea came out:

I guess that at some point you just have to transfer ownership of the story to the reader. Since everyone has a different life experience, they’re going to experience your story a little bit different. When you want it to be “perfect,” you might actually be trying to control what cannot be controlled. Everyone who reads your book is going to come away with a slightly different story in their heads, just because they’ll approach it in different ways. You can’t really control the readers’ experience, so trying to do it is futile. I guess all you can do really is open a door and invite the reader in. Your story needs a reader just as much as it needs a writer in order to exist.

I wasn’t planning on saying that, but the idea just came to my head and I said it. Usually, when I do something like that, it ends up a) offending people, or b) making me say or do something that I regret, or c) both. But this time it just got me to thinking: does a story exist independent of someone reading it? What is a story anyways? What does “perfection” mean when you apply it to writing fiction?

Once you realize that a story doesn’t exist independent of someone reading it, it can really free you up in a lot of ways. First of all, you realize that you aren’t going to please everyone, since the story will be different for different people. Second, you realize that “perfection” is not something that you create alone. It’s something that is created by the writer AND the reader. You aren’t, by yourself, going to write a “perfect” story. At least, not independent of someone reading it. Your goal is not to write some story that is objectively “perfect,” independent of someone reading it, but to reach through the narrative to connect with the reader in some way, and allow them to realize the “perfect” story.

Sometimes (in fact, quite often) writers will have this fallacious idea that there is some possible combination of words, sentences, paragraphs, and other elements that is the “perfect” version of their story. They’ll slave and slave just to get that write combination, then get discouraged and fed up with it all. But if you can realize this point–that it is impossible for a story to exist independent of it being read–it can free you up to realize that there isn’t any one perfect combination of words, letters, sentences, paragraphs, structure, form, etc. Once you try to get down to that level of minuteness, you are trying to exert too much control over the reader. The truth is that the reader has some work to do as well. We don’t call it “work” because it’s actually pretty fun, but the reader is the one who puts things together and actually “creates” your story from the ink that he (or she) sees on the page. So, really, you shouldn’t be focusing on the words, sentences, paragraphs, and other structure, but on the reader and how the story will be read. It’s not about getting the perfect combination of words as much as it is helping the reader to construct the story in his (or her) own head. And really, you have to free yourself up to the idea that maybe the story that the reader reads isn’t the same story that’s floating around in your head. You have to leave freedom for that, otherwise you cut the reader out of the act of creation. When that happens, your story starts to suck–but if you can, essentially, open a door for the reader and enable the imagination to spread its wings and take off–if you can do that, you have got the potential to write an amazingly good piece of work.

So, those are basically my thoughts at this point. I may be right about some things, and I’m probably wrong about most things. But it’s a fascinating journey. I love pondering things. And these are my latest thoughts. Feel free to share your own, debunk mine, or otherwise enlighten me. I’m very eager to hear your own thoughts.