So in case you didn’t know, General Conference was this past weekend. General Conference is this huge semi- annual conference broadcast live from Salt Lake City, where the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ talk on a number of topics and issues relevant to the church. This year, one of the main recurring themes was the need for young singles, especially men, to get married and settle down.
In a church where the holiest sacrament is temple marriage, where husband, wife, and children are considered sealed to each other “for time and all eternity,” this emphasis on marriage shouldn’t come as a huge surprise. To be honest, I was more amused than anything; just a couple days before, I’d posted a comment on my sister’s blog mentioning how apathetic I am right now about dating and getting married. Youch.
So anyhow, with my whole family nagging me about this–all of whom are married or engaged, by the way–I suppose I ought to give my thoughts on the subject.
This week’s Writing Excuses podcast was on writing romance, and while I found it extremely helpful in my own writing, I also found the points interesting as a young single adult. According to Sarah Eden, a regency romance writer who was a guest in this episode, in order for a romance in a book to work, the characters must:
1) fulfill a need in each other,
2) create a relationship that has emotional resonance, and
3) be something for each other that no-one else can be.
Probably the biggest reason I’m not married right now (foregoing the whole “haven’t met the right person yet” question, which is valid) is because I just don’t feel like I have a need that isn’t being fulfilled. That probably means I’m in a comfort zone, which is a bad thing, but that’s the truth.
It’s not that I’m not attracted to a fair number of women, because I definitely am. It’s just that for most of the women in my life right now, when I ask myself “do I have a real, hungering need for her companionship?” the answer is “no.”
There have been a couple of times in my life where that wasn’t the case–where I felt infatuated with a girl and really, honestly felt that she was or could be something that no one else could be. Long story short, for various reasons (some of which I still don’t understand), it never worked out. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was her, and now most of my old crushes are happily married…to other people.
And as for why I’m not looking more actively, I could go on a(nother) long rant about why the Utah dating scene really, really sucks for a person like me (doesn’t fit the cookie cutter mold, doesn’t have a secure financial future, isn’t ridiculously attractive, etc etc), but all that is beside the point.
I’ve never really seen the point in dating as a way to get to know people, since first dates are generally awkward and fake, but I’m also really bad at transitioning from friendship to something more than that. So in other words, the advice “go on more dates” helps me about as much as telling someone with clinical depression that they should just “be happy.”
Not that I’m depressed because I’m single. I’m actually okay with it. The thing I’m wondering, though, is whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing?
I should probably force myself to go out more often, or to at least try to connect with more eligible young women and make them a part of my life somehow. And maybe another problem is that I’ve never really seen myself as a married person–though I doubt it, because most of my married friends have jumped into it without really knowing what life is like on the other side.
But the point is, I need to take some time and figure out how to make getting married a priority. And really, that’s the only thing I can say for sure.
Don’t be silly. Of COURSE you’re ridiculously attractive!
Dating in Utah is practically an institution–one which assumes divine inspiration automatically follows suit to an increase in probability. To me, it’s like trusting the most significant decision of my life to a game of blindfolded Chinese fire drill. That had no appeal to me whatsoever.
Instead, I made preparing myself for the specific person Heavenly Father intended for me my number one priority. Naturally, that requires inspiration–which I prayed for over several years, and received with increasing frequency as the time came closer for me to meet him. Call me crazy, but it made more sense for me to know who I was looking for, so I would know where to look, and I could be someone he would find attractive.
Who better to ask than the Lord, right?
And come to find out, the person I was looking for was 2000 miles away, at home, not dating, and had been driving himself crazy for years wondering why he wasn’t married yet. He never considered the possibility that when he hit 21-and-unmarried, and started chomping at the bit, I was only 16 and had just started coming the Church.
No amount of dating in Utah was ever going to lead me to him. I don’t think that any date I ever went on impacted my marriageability whatsoever, except to convince me further that I wasn’t going to find him that way. Maybe you should trust yourself on that one.
There is someone out there for you. And if you don’t want to date to find her, the point I’m trying to make is you don’t have to. If you keep searching for her, you haven’t given up. You don’t owe anyone more of an explanation than that.
I hated dating, too — I just went to Leading Edge instead, where I met my Eternal Beta Reader, er, Companion. Right. There are lots of ways to meet people, and if you’re the kind of person who hates dating, chances are you’re not going to find someone who’s similar to you by going on a bunch of first dates. I hung out reading slush for months with now-husband-person before he asked me on a date…which he managed by stealing my e-mail from the LE role. That first date — unlike the handful I’d been on before — was actually really fun. Hopefully that sounded encouraging.
Well, for one, a lot of the “pressure” in Utah comes from a misunderstanding or misapplication of those 3 ideas they talked about in the podcast.
Orson Scott Card actually did a series of articles about dating. *amused*
Personally, I don’t think someone who has thought about dating as much as you have (on your blog, at least) is apathetic towards it. You’ve shown you want to do what’s right by God and you’ve given it thought. Simnply because you don’t chase every female under the sun hoping she’s the one doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. :p
The only advice I’ve heard that works for me is to get to know a lot of people, make a lot of friends. Then if you’re attracted to someone or feel that need or desire to get to know them more, follow it. Take courage and don’t falter. If it doesn’t work out,that’s fine. Chances are you were meant to learn something new along the way. Not all relationships have to end in marriage, surprisingly enough.
The Brethren are doing their duty emphasizing the eternal importance of marriage. Now it’s up to us to apply these principles. You’re not supposed to go to the temple for your endowment until you’re ready. You’re not supposed to get married until you’re ready, either. And that includes finding someone you love enough to want to spend eternity with them. This shouldn’t be cheapened, and that’s what pressure does…streamlines and cheapens the experience.
Just let life come, but make sure you’re living it. And don’t worry, things will work out.
*snorts* That’s not apathy. Family doesn’t always know everything either. That’s one thing I’ve learned with my chronic illness. Most of the time, my family has no idea what’s best for me, or what’s going on inside. Don’t let her words get to you. 😉 Your posts prove you’re not apathetic.
I have a few thoughts about having the romance fulfilling a need. That need is often not apparent right when you meet the person. Let’s look at Pride and Prejudice – the classic regency romance. Lizzy did not plan on getting married at the beginning of the book. She hated Mr. Darcy when she first met him. The romance grew as she learned to see beyond Mr. Darcy’s reserved manner, and saw that he met her need of a good match in wit, and the need of creating the desire to be a better person.
Needs your future spouse will fulfill are rarely apparent right when you meet that person. They become apparent as you get to know one another, and realize that they are strong where you are weak, or make you want to be a better person because you’re around them. So please don’t write someone off just because it’s not “love at first sight” which you seem to be implying with being infatuated.
You don’t have to go on a first date with the goal of measuring up to your list of spousal requirements. You can go with the idea of just getting to know the person better. Have a list of questions in your mind to get the other person talking. That might help relieve the awkwardness of the situation. Best of luck to you.
I met my husband in a roleplaying game. We never went on a date until I was engaged.
On the other hand, I spent significant time hanging around the game store (where we met) because I refused to date non-geeks and that’s where all the single geek boys hung out. So it’s not like I wasn’t being intentional about it. I just didn’t date.
That should read “we were engaged”, but I can’t edit it, apparently.